A Better Alex, stage 1: EPRHA Journal

[apollolux]

==21 days done==
I just finished 21 days and I'm tired of everything. I feel like to regain my sanity I have to give up my best friend because she's manipulative, and after a lot of anger and argument from her she tries instead to keep me as a friend. From the day I first met her I made it clear to her I had no platonic intention towards her, and if it wasn't for the fact that she convinced me she was serious about learning from me I would have ditched her that first day after she said she had a boyfriend.

Over the past 9 months she's helped me immensely since my housing situation became unstable in October, from hiring me for extra tutoring to cooking for me to offering me her couch to crash on multiple times. Over those same 9 months she's also strung me along, led me to believe we had a strong emotional connection that she's never had with another guy, that we could have more than that, and that it would be very likely. I fully admit that, whatever feelings she has for me, I'm definitely the more focused on our relationship becoming romantic and sexual.

Over the past 21 days on EPRHA I've had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown (up until now only tangentially related to her like my feelings of inadequacy) and on Monday I decided it would be better for my emotional health if I ended whatever friendship we still had. Me and her is a long story I'd rather not get into at the moment, but the summary is I continue to feel she's using me. I've been extremely beta about how I've handled it the past 9 months, and it's simply the latest in a long pattern of me handling similar situations very beta.

I'm more convinced than ever I need to start the next sub as soon as possible (after the minimum 32 days of EPRHA) so I can stop worrying about a situation like that happening again and/or bothering me again.