07-04-2015, 04:48 PM
Starting day 11, but I feel the need to post here what happened today.
I went to sleep last night at 4:30am and woke up this morning at 8:35am to do final packing and prep to catch an 11:30am Amtrak train to Vermont to visit my aunt. I reach the train station and by the time I get my ticket it's 11:36am and I missed my train. This is an ~8.5 hour train ride and the next train from Penn Station to Montpelier is tomorrow at 11:30am. I have to stay overnight in the waiting area because I do not have a place to sleep and cannot afford a room at a nearby spot. One of my bags is also apparently kind of flimsy and the amount of weight in it (probably 30 lbs total?) has resulted in tearing off one of the handles, so now I have to two-hand the thing. I'm most likely going to have to break night because this is not an environment conducive to relatively secure sleep and I can't even go to the bathroom without risking either theft of likely unattended bags (or attended by a potentially less-than-trustworthy passenger) or my flimsy bag completely breaking if I instead choose to bring everything with me.
I can't rationalize away the feeling that it's entirely my fault for not choosing to set my alarm at 8-8:05am and wake up then instead and for not finishing certain packing tasks last night. This was too major and has immediate, potentially life-threatening consequences for me. I'm listening to EPRHA as I type this (still 12 hours a day), but I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing this nor have I been able to allow myself to try, and I honestly don't know if I can or will.
I don't know if the two choices (not finishing packing last night and not waking up earlier) were intentional self-sabotage or not, but it worries me that it might be. My current living situation is already pretty messed up and I very much did not need to put myself through the additional stress of staying up >=24 hours straight again due to not having a place to sleep.
I went to sleep last night at 4:30am and woke up this morning at 8:35am to do final packing and prep to catch an 11:30am Amtrak train to Vermont to visit my aunt. I reach the train station and by the time I get my ticket it's 11:36am and I missed my train. This is an ~8.5 hour train ride and the next train from Penn Station to Montpelier is tomorrow at 11:30am. I have to stay overnight in the waiting area because I do not have a place to sleep and cannot afford a room at a nearby spot. One of my bags is also apparently kind of flimsy and the amount of weight in it (probably 30 lbs total?) has resulted in tearing off one of the handles, so now I have to two-hand the thing. I'm most likely going to have to break night because this is not an environment conducive to relatively secure sleep and I can't even go to the bathroom without risking either theft of likely unattended bags (or attended by a potentially less-than-trustworthy passenger) or my flimsy bag completely breaking if I instead choose to bring everything with me.
I can't rationalize away the feeling that it's entirely my fault for not choosing to set my alarm at 8-8:05am and wake up then instead and for not finishing certain packing tasks last night. This was too major and has immediate, potentially life-threatening consequences for me. I'm listening to EPRHA as I type this (still 12 hours a day), but I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing this nor have I been able to allow myself to try, and I honestly don't know if I can or will.
I don't know if the two choices (not finishing packing last night and not waking up earlier) were intentional self-sabotage or not, but it worries me that it might be. My current living situation is already pretty messed up and I very much did not need to put myself through the additional stress of staying up >=24 hours straight again due to not having a place to sleep.
A Better Alex (ISTJ): EPRHA → ASC → AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …