A Better Alex, stage 1: EPRHA Journal

[apollolux]

==7 days done==
I'm 7 days into EPRHA so far, starting the 8th. Up until today there was nothing particularly different outwardly to note. Internally, negative thoughts still exist in their pre-sub states.

Before today, a few women I see somewhat regularly (a few who work at the gym, one I chat with online, and particularly a classmate who's been a really good friend to me over the past 9 months while I deal with a situation) have been cordial with me during conversations. To add basic social skills I didn't have before that I very much need as president of my college's ACM chapter and as part of my own personal "better myself" initiative and, I read How to Win Friends and Influence People for the first time last year; also, years before I used to sell knives, so after those combined with other reading I eventually learned and retained the knowledge of how to keep a hopefully interesting conversation.

Today, the beginning of day 8, however, three things happened that lead me to believe EPRHA is finally beginning to affect me. The first was a text conversation with my classmate friend, where some aggressive statements by me led her to be angry with me, which led me to be sad that I made that happen. I continue to feel like I'm not good enough for her and letting her down.

The second was during my appointment with my therapist, rescheduled to today because I would be unable to make my usual Saturday time due to travel plans. During this appointment, as I was listing the very fears I put in the opening list I have a complete breakdown. While this wasn't the first time I broke down during a session, this was more intense as I was finally able to pinpoint for the first time the Impostor Syndrome fear as one of the two most fundamental fears I have (I've spoken with him for many weeks about the fear of inadequacy).

The third is a sudden excessive tiredness; I'm fighting it right now as I type. I originally attributed this to two instances of sleep deprivation this week, sleeping Monday for only 5 hours and Tuesday for 6.5. I have a history of sleep problems, diagnosed with delayed sleep phase syndrome and narcoleptic. It could be that, or it could be me getting used to a 5G sub having never been exposed to one before last week. I've been listening to EPRHA on ultrasonic for 12 hours a night and have no idea if I need to do more or less.

Weekly routine during this summer until I go to Vermont to visit family this Saturday is basically gym late morning/early afternoon on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, do a few hours of work (web development) after, and on non-gym days either do various necessary appointments or do more work. Diet needs improvement, though likely because of the change in workout routine I've almost reached my goal of a six-pack (currently the outline of a four-pack with some pinch on the missing two at the bottom). Can't afford a better diet at the moment, since I'm a college student currently on public assistance.

I'm also debating whether to keep this journal structured like this or more freeform like some of the other journals here.