11-08-2010, 05:01 PM
Even though this isn’t particularly sub related, I do see this as a major setback towards the progress I made. I think I’ve lost my spiritual connection (even though I wasn’t really aware I had one). The insights and theories I gained for the past few years have lost its intuitive notion. Even though I know them theoretically, I can’t apply them anymore because I don’t know how to anymore. And to be honest, nothing makes much sense any more, everything I say and do is off, everything I used daily to keep myself positive and rational have taken a backseat. I’ve been spending the last few days getting back at where I was, re-tracing my past sources I used to gain certain insights and writing them down, using #3 of the meditation set for grounding and some other frequency programs and I’m slowly but surely starting to see progress, but it’s going to take a while before I’m starting to feel as controlled and reserved about my emotions as I was before, let alone being able to continue where I left off.
The past few days I’ve been very susceptible to anger, the warm burning sensation I had in my chest was replaced with coldness and it really seemed that something was missing there. Accompanied with feeling weakness in my elbows (hard to describe) and stabbing pain in my lungs and lower back pain. All that was rational was replaced by emotional thinking. It was like dunking your brain into a vat of thick, muddy water. I’m glad that I'm much calmer now. Since a few hours my chest doesn’t have that cold sensation anymore.
This happened after I had a pretty serious fight with my mother; I still live at home, and my mother has a tendency to get in my room and move or get rid of things of mine without my consent. I already told her for the umpteenth time that she has no ****ing business there and have had numerous other fights over this previously. Yet again, I found something of mine that she threw in the trash and as I confronted her and asked her why she did it she became mad (literally) and started with the same barrage of going through the house screaming how wonderful I was, and how many things I did right in my life, this for over an hour. Even though I haven’t had any fights with her for a long time, I did notice I could handle her remarks and distance myself emotionally against her pretty effectively at first and continued on with my business. But after an hour of hearing her throughout the house something in me snapped, she had built up too much anxiety/stress in me.
I’ve never felt so much built up rage inside of me, and I completely screamed my lungs out about why she had the ****ing idea why she could touch my stuff in the first place (along with a few other things). I still had control over myself, but I could see that she was afraid of me since she winced back and shutted up. This was a first, and I’m pretty sure that she isn’t going to touch my stuff ever again. My throat however has been sore for two days. In the aftermath it only left me with serious bouts of anxiety, depression, feeling empty and miserable, along with the things described above. It's great building yourself up, so that someone else can tear it down again. :@ ****ing Pyrrhic victory.
I also had a serious breakthrough the day before this all happened; I confronted the daughter of my neighbors after she had parked her car at our driveway, my mother asked her why she would do such a thing (since it’s pretty weird) and she started yelling at her that my car was blocking their driveway. I already had an agreement with the neighbor (even though it’s a public parking place) that I wouldn’t block his pathway along with his driveway and I always make sure that they have enough room. After my mother told me what happened I immediately headed towards them (something I wouldn’t have dreamed off, since I pretty much have avoided conflict for the majority of my life) wanting to know what the hell was going on since I had parked my car as good as possible.
The daughter immediately came storming out of the house after she saw me (she was pretty emotional), and started apologizing for her behavior. Turns out that she wasn’t that secure in her driving and she saw my car as an obstacle even though she had all the room in the world to park her car (she was mad at herself since she didn't trust herself enough, and since I was the "cause" of her "problem" she thought it was wise to park the car on our driveway). I was so incredibly calm and confident the whole time, and told her there was no problem and just heard her out, I only wanted to know if there was a problem with the arrangement we had. After we briefly talked it through she parked her car where it belonged. I was really amazed that I was able to take action on this, because a year or perhaps a few months ago I would've cowered and did nothing about it. I hope to get at this level soon again.
The past few days I’ve been very susceptible to anger, the warm burning sensation I had in my chest was replaced with coldness and it really seemed that something was missing there. Accompanied with feeling weakness in my elbows (hard to describe) and stabbing pain in my lungs and lower back pain. All that was rational was replaced by emotional thinking. It was like dunking your brain into a vat of thick, muddy water. I’m glad that I'm much calmer now. Since a few hours my chest doesn’t have that cold sensation anymore.
This happened after I had a pretty serious fight with my mother; I still live at home, and my mother has a tendency to get in my room and move or get rid of things of mine without my consent. I already told her for the umpteenth time that she has no ****ing business there and have had numerous other fights over this previously. Yet again, I found something of mine that she threw in the trash and as I confronted her and asked her why she did it she became mad (literally) and started with the same barrage of going through the house screaming how wonderful I was, and how many things I did right in my life, this for over an hour. Even though I haven’t had any fights with her for a long time, I did notice I could handle her remarks and distance myself emotionally against her pretty effectively at first and continued on with my business. But after an hour of hearing her throughout the house something in me snapped, she had built up too much anxiety/stress in me.
I’ve never felt so much built up rage inside of me, and I completely screamed my lungs out about why she had the ****ing idea why she could touch my stuff in the first place (along with a few other things). I still had control over myself, but I could see that she was afraid of me since she winced back and shutted up. This was a first, and I’m pretty sure that she isn’t going to touch my stuff ever again. My throat however has been sore for two days. In the aftermath it only left me with serious bouts of anxiety, depression, feeling empty and miserable, along with the things described above. It's great building yourself up, so that someone else can tear it down again. :@ ****ing Pyrrhic victory.
I also had a serious breakthrough the day before this all happened; I confronted the daughter of my neighbors after she had parked her car at our driveway, my mother asked her why she would do such a thing (since it’s pretty weird) and she started yelling at her that my car was blocking their driveway. I already had an agreement with the neighbor (even though it’s a public parking place) that I wouldn’t block his pathway along with his driveway and I always make sure that they have enough room. After my mother told me what happened I immediately headed towards them (something I wouldn’t have dreamed off, since I pretty much have avoided conflict for the majority of my life) wanting to know what the hell was going on since I had parked my car as good as possible.
The daughter immediately came storming out of the house after she saw me (she was pretty emotional), and started apologizing for her behavior. Turns out that she wasn’t that secure in her driving and she saw my car as an obstacle even though she had all the room in the world to park her car (she was mad at herself since she didn't trust herself enough, and since I was the "cause" of her "problem" she thought it was wise to park the car on our driveway). I was so incredibly calm and confident the whole time, and told her there was no problem and just heard her out, I only wanted to know if there was a problem with the arrangement we had. After we briefly talked it through she parked her car where it belonged. I was really amazed that I was able to take action on this, because a year or perhaps a few months ago I would've cowered and did nothing about it. I hope to get at this level soon again.
