04-08-2014, 08:32 PM
Alright, so procrastination has taken hold of me again with a vengeance. This really has to stop, I'm so disappointed in myself. It's starting to affect my school work. The weird thing though, is that I still feel like everything is going to be ok. That seems to be my motto for the past couple months.
I posted this in another thread, but holy cow I have lost my confidence. I'm so damn insecure again, it sucks. Stage 1 was freaking awesome, but Stage 2 and 3 so far have been the worst. It's made me want to quit and do something that focuses solely on school/motivation/procrastination, but I'm not gonna of course. Gotta stick it out and complete the program and keep the faith.
Finally, I don't dream at all when I sleep with the headphones in, which is every night. But if I wake up at 5am or sometime where I still have a couple hours of sleep, I take them off, fall back asleep, and sometimes dream. Sometimes it's about being cheated on, which sucks. But today, it was weird and scary. I dreamt that I was swimming with whales.
---My not be worth reading---
A very long time ago (I'm almost 24) when I was maybe 9 years old, it was a Saturday morning and I awoke from a dream that I was swimming with whales. There used to be a HUGE mural with whales downtown that we would drive past after hockey games, and I'd always ask my dad to drive pass it on the way to the freeway as we were heading home just to see it because I was young and thought it was cool. Then had a dream about it, which I can still absolutely fully remember 100%, even the color of the teal water. In the dream I was swimming underneath that mural with the whales and they were scaring the crap out of me. It's seriously as if I had experienced it, I can't believe how vivid it was. And since that day, I've had an unprovoked fear of whales. If I watch them on tv, I just picture myself being there and imaging how fucking scary it would be. In the movie Finding Nemo, when the Blue Whale appears...out of the blue, it's so damn freaky for me I can't even describe it. And I know they're gentle giants and are smart and like humans, but just because of that dream, I'm scared of them. There's no real reason. I've never seen one in real life or been in the water with them. It's just because of the dream/nightmare. However, last night/early this morning, when I took the ear buds out, I fell back asleep and was dreaming that I was in a body of water with a small group of people and a raft and there were whales there. I dove under the water and swam towards them, yet I still felt the fear come over me. And they swam right past me no big deal. Then some girl got her foot caught in seaweed and started drowning and I saved her. That part was just weird. Maybe it means something? Facing your fear? I don't know. Maybe it's something maybe it's not.
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I'm a lazy ass procrastinator naturally, so I wouldn't call this resistance. Since Stage 1 ended, working out has fallen by the wayside as well. I'm really hoping AM6 can help me overcome that and be a successful go-getter. I've seriously got to make a change with my life. I've been unhappy with myself for 6 years now. I was such a success with every aspect of life in high school, and now college I've gone down the drain and have turned into a total failure. Wouldn't be surprised if I get kicked out. Then I would have let myself and my whole family down. It seriously sucks, and I don't understand why I still think everything will eventually be ok. If I want to finish school, workout, and play guitar, then why don't I do it? When I do get stuff done I'm so happy and satisfied with myself. But a lot of the times I just can't bring myself to get up (or sit down in the case of schoolwork) and do what needs to be done to achieve the things I want. This is why lately I've been wanting to switch to a different sub (but I'm not going to). Once I'm done with AM6 I will, at least that's what I feel like doing at the moment. I feel like I'm wasting my skills and intelligence and am meant for more than where I'm currently at. I'm so unsatisfied with my life and am envious of my friends who have graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. And I don't do anything to help myself, wtf is wrong with me?! Maybe it'll all change. Can the other subs even help me? I'm sort of losing my faith lol...but I'm not going to stop.
Ahhh good venting.
I posted this in another thread, but holy cow I have lost my confidence. I'm so damn insecure again, it sucks. Stage 1 was freaking awesome, but Stage 2 and 3 so far have been the worst. It's made me want to quit and do something that focuses solely on school/motivation/procrastination, but I'm not gonna of course. Gotta stick it out and complete the program and keep the faith.
Finally, I don't dream at all when I sleep with the headphones in, which is every night. But if I wake up at 5am or sometime where I still have a couple hours of sleep, I take them off, fall back asleep, and sometimes dream. Sometimes it's about being cheated on, which sucks. But today, it was weird and scary. I dreamt that I was swimming with whales.
---My not be worth reading---
A very long time ago (I'm almost 24) when I was maybe 9 years old, it was a Saturday morning and I awoke from a dream that I was swimming with whales. There used to be a HUGE mural with whales downtown that we would drive past after hockey games, and I'd always ask my dad to drive pass it on the way to the freeway as we were heading home just to see it because I was young and thought it was cool. Then had a dream about it, which I can still absolutely fully remember 100%, even the color of the teal water. In the dream I was swimming underneath that mural with the whales and they were scaring the crap out of me. It's seriously as if I had experienced it, I can't believe how vivid it was. And since that day, I've had an unprovoked fear of whales. If I watch them on tv, I just picture myself being there and imaging how fucking scary it would be. In the movie Finding Nemo, when the Blue Whale appears...out of the blue, it's so damn freaky for me I can't even describe it. And I know they're gentle giants and are smart and like humans, but just because of that dream, I'm scared of them. There's no real reason. I've never seen one in real life or been in the water with them. It's just because of the dream/nightmare. However, last night/early this morning, when I took the ear buds out, I fell back asleep and was dreaming that I was in a body of water with a small group of people and a raft and there were whales there. I dove under the water and swam towards them, yet I still felt the fear come over me. And they swam right past me no big deal. Then some girl got her foot caught in seaweed and started drowning and I saved her. That part was just weird. Maybe it means something? Facing your fear? I don't know. Maybe it's something maybe it's not.
-----
I'm a lazy ass procrastinator naturally, so I wouldn't call this resistance. Since Stage 1 ended, working out has fallen by the wayside as well. I'm really hoping AM6 can help me overcome that and be a successful go-getter. I've seriously got to make a change with my life. I've been unhappy with myself for 6 years now. I was such a success with every aspect of life in high school, and now college I've gone down the drain and have turned into a total failure. Wouldn't be surprised if I get kicked out. Then I would have let myself and my whole family down. It seriously sucks, and I don't understand why I still think everything will eventually be ok. If I want to finish school, workout, and play guitar, then why don't I do it? When I do get stuff done I'm so happy and satisfied with myself. But a lot of the times I just can't bring myself to get up (or sit down in the case of schoolwork) and do what needs to be done to achieve the things I want. This is why lately I've been wanting to switch to a different sub (but I'm not going to). Once I'm done with AM6 I will, at least that's what I feel like doing at the moment. I feel like I'm wasting my skills and intelligence and am meant for more than where I'm currently at. I'm so unsatisfied with my life and am envious of my friends who have graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. And I don't do anything to help myself, wtf is wrong with me?! Maybe it'll all change. Can the other subs even help me? I'm sort of losing my faith lol...but I'm not going to stop.
Ahhh good venting.
