01-04-2014, 04:10 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-04-2014, 04:31 AM by AlphaScorpio.)
Thanks stratos I tried this yesterday and this morning. The stomach energy has dissipated a little. While I was focusing on it, it felt like it was breaking down into little static bits of electricity almost like I could feel the electricity in it. I let it be for a while and then it got very small I still think it's there but it's going slowly.
Day 6 Stage 1 - Total exposure - 92 hours 20 minutes
Yesterday I got back home from my grandparents house, I have little desire to talk to people at the moment, I also find that I can't really think of much to say...I also get frustrated when people try to be friendly towards me because I can sense their expectation or hope that I'll be nice back to them, but I simply don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending to be happy or excited when I'm not.
It's odd this feeling because I'm starting to feel less ashamed about feeling bad or seeming anti-social I still have inner conflict about being moody to others etc. but I think I'm slowly coming to terms with it.
When my family came to pick me up from the service stations to drive home, I was talking about a job that my uncle wanted me to do and this girl in the back seat (not my family, family friend) said "Wow that's a real man's job" which I didnt give much thought to but picked up on it...
When I woke up this morning my sister came up to my room with a cup of coffee I didnt try to pretend to be excited and ask her loads of questions or anything I just said "I don't want it" she persisted and I took it anyway, she sat down next to my bed and tried to make conversation I wasn't in the mood and just gave her simply one word answers like yes/no and she then said "A man of few words" Which I also picked up on and found a little interesting...
Before I went to bed last night I spoke with my parents explaining to them that I don't feel very excited or sociable and told them about relying on substances to get me feeling motivated/good, because I've been smoke/orgasm and alcohol free for over a month now I've started finding my baseline state/mood a bit lower than before when I was getting a few highs off the fags etc. I said to my parents that if I seem like I don't want to talk to them it's not because I don't like them or want to it's because I just have this dull/non interested feeling where I find it hard to be stimulated by social things right now but that I was becoming more ok with that in general. My parents seemed to understand and gave me support which I appreciated. My dad said "Sounds like you are growing up" which again, very subtly I picked up on it and found it just a little interesting
In other news, I've been invited to a newish friend/acquaintance's friend's 18th so I'm going to be in a new environment with new people who I don't know and there will be the temptation of alcohol and cigarettes so it's going to be a challenge but I'm wanting to just get out there and do something new, I am pretty nervous about it though...
EDIT - DAMN! nearly totally forgot...
Had a dream about my ex (same one from my other post) it was pretty vivid. I was at school or some kind of gathering of people and I spotted her in the crowd and somehow we got talking she shit tested me a bit but I knew that she liked me deep down so I persisted and I told her that we should get back together and we did. I woke up and thought it was real and man that hurt so fucking bad... the realisation that it was a dream hurt...
This thing about my ex is very weird, it's reoccurring as well which means that it's not to be ignored, I have felt like nearly crying.
I'm also on day 47 of nofap so maybe that's got something to do with it as well? Because my ex from 2 years ago was probably the last girlfriend that I properly connected to... I'd say. My last gf was pretty emotionally fucked and we could not connect at all (very little chemistry). So maybe nofap combined with AM6 is bringing this up as my brain rewires and as it is being programmed to deal with hidden emotions it's causing these funny feelings... Man it's unreal.
Day 6 Stage 1 - Total exposure - 92 hours 20 minutes
Yesterday I got back home from my grandparents house, I have little desire to talk to people at the moment, I also find that I can't really think of much to say...I also get frustrated when people try to be friendly towards me because I can sense their expectation or hope that I'll be nice back to them, but I simply don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending to be happy or excited when I'm not.
It's odd this feeling because I'm starting to feel less ashamed about feeling bad or seeming anti-social I still have inner conflict about being moody to others etc. but I think I'm slowly coming to terms with it.
When my family came to pick me up from the service stations to drive home, I was talking about a job that my uncle wanted me to do and this girl in the back seat (not my family, family friend) said "Wow that's a real man's job" which I didnt give much thought to but picked up on it...
When I woke up this morning my sister came up to my room with a cup of coffee I didnt try to pretend to be excited and ask her loads of questions or anything I just said "I don't want it" she persisted and I took it anyway, she sat down next to my bed and tried to make conversation I wasn't in the mood and just gave her simply one word answers like yes/no and she then said "A man of few words" Which I also picked up on and found a little interesting...
Before I went to bed last night I spoke with my parents explaining to them that I don't feel very excited or sociable and told them about relying on substances to get me feeling motivated/good, because I've been smoke/orgasm and alcohol free for over a month now I've started finding my baseline state/mood a bit lower than before when I was getting a few highs off the fags etc. I said to my parents that if I seem like I don't want to talk to them it's not because I don't like them or want to it's because I just have this dull/non interested feeling where I find it hard to be stimulated by social things right now but that I was becoming more ok with that in general. My parents seemed to understand and gave me support which I appreciated. My dad said "Sounds like you are growing up" which again, very subtly I picked up on it and found it just a little interesting
In other news, I've been invited to a newish friend/acquaintance's friend's 18th so I'm going to be in a new environment with new people who I don't know and there will be the temptation of alcohol and cigarettes so it's going to be a challenge but I'm wanting to just get out there and do something new, I am pretty nervous about it though...
EDIT - DAMN! nearly totally forgot...
Had a dream about my ex (same one from my other post) it was pretty vivid. I was at school or some kind of gathering of people and I spotted her in the crowd and somehow we got talking she shit tested me a bit but I knew that she liked me deep down so I persisted and I told her that we should get back together and we did. I woke up and thought it was real and man that hurt so fucking bad... the realisation that it was a dream hurt...
This thing about my ex is very weird, it's reoccurring as well which means that it's not to be ignored, I have felt like nearly crying.
I'm also on day 47 of nofap so maybe that's got something to do with it as well? Because my ex from 2 years ago was probably the last girlfriend that I properly connected to... I'd say. My last gf was pretty emotionally fucked and we could not connect at all (very little chemistry). So maybe nofap combined with AM6 is bringing this up as my brain rewires and as it is being programmed to deal with hidden emotions it's causing these funny feelings... Man it's unreal.
