10-14-2013, 03:24 PM
Today I went to the high school to see what I need to do to get my metrics certificate, I only need to do 7 more lessons in sport.
But when I entered the school I just felt terrible emotionally. All of my years in the high school I was lonely and felt like a ghost. My social life were terrible my interactions with women were terrible I was in a terrible state everyday EVEN in the few pictures that I have from those years I seem terribly turned off it was like seeing a sad person my body got terrible, I have terrible black sacks under my eyes from sitting for hours a day infront of the computer playing video games, my spine is damaged because of wrong way of sitting it has a little curve towards the outside and I got fat again in those years.
My life were terrible at this chapter.
But what I realized in the last weeks that in the high school, actually no one hated me or thought of me bad things. It was me who was so closed inside a little box without any light. No wonder I didn't have any friends. I just didn't open up enough if at all.
How do I know no one hated me?
First no one did or tried to do to me any harm physically or emotionally.
Second, lately my parents saw a few people from my grade one at a time and told them to send me their greeting from them. I mean like why they even bother to check how I am and to send me their greetings? I mean those are people I didn't talk for 3 years not to mention barely even talked to them in school.
Thats when I realized this. It feels like I am starting some proccess here in overcoming guilt and shame as I am starting to realize its not really my fault its what happened to me in the past before high school that shaped me in this way. I realized that I was just scared to death that it will happen all over again so I preffered to close my self in order to avoid such a possibility.
I think realizing this is really a good step into overcoming guilt shame and fear. I know I am not even close to finish this issue, I am sure I will still feel bad when I will be again in the school but now I feel that I have the capability to deal with those bad emotions floating to the surface.
I just can't wait to start AM V6 and I am sure that realizing more stuff about my past will make it easier to handle that sub.
Good night!
But when I entered the school I just felt terrible emotionally. All of my years in the high school I was lonely and felt like a ghost. My social life were terrible my interactions with women were terrible I was in a terrible state everyday EVEN in the few pictures that I have from those years I seem terribly turned off it was like seeing a sad person my body got terrible, I have terrible black sacks under my eyes from sitting for hours a day infront of the computer playing video games, my spine is damaged because of wrong way of sitting it has a little curve towards the outside and I got fat again in those years.
My life were terrible at this chapter.
But what I realized in the last weeks that in the high school, actually no one hated me or thought of me bad things. It was me who was so closed inside a little box without any light. No wonder I didn't have any friends. I just didn't open up enough if at all.
How do I know no one hated me?
First no one did or tried to do to me any harm physically or emotionally.
Second, lately my parents saw a few people from my grade one at a time and told them to send me their greeting from them. I mean like why they even bother to check how I am and to send me their greetings? I mean those are people I didn't talk for 3 years not to mention barely even talked to them in school.
Thats when I realized this. It feels like I am starting some proccess here in overcoming guilt and shame as I am starting to realize its not really my fault its what happened to me in the past before high school that shaped me in this way. I realized that I was just scared to death that it will happen all over again so I preffered to close my self in order to avoid such a possibility.
I think realizing this is really a good step into overcoming guilt shame and fear. I know I am not even close to finish this issue, I am sure I will still feel bad when I will be again in the school but now I feel that I have the capability to deal with those bad emotions floating to the surface.
I just can't wait to start AM V6 and I am sure that realizing more stuff about my past will make it easier to handle that sub.
Good night!
