AM 5.0 Journal

[SargeMaximus]

Stage 5 Day 26

Been feeling Negative again this afternoon. This girl I hang around with made a comment about my jacket and it got me all in my head, she also said "You're feminine" This pissed me off and I got angry cause it wasn't the first time I've been called that. I don't know why I come across as that to certain people but it's always when I'm in a shitty mood, I haven't been called feminine in about a year however I still remember these things cause they get to me.

Sh*t test! lol. Seriously, that's what that was. I don't know how to respond to these yet, but I can recognize them now.

My personal belief is that you should just accept it. Be like "Yeah I can be."

Whatever you do, however, DON'T get rattled when a girl tests you. Don't run away either. Just be present, and say something.

Also, don't care if you're "feminine". Everyone is a little bit to be honest, and you gotta accept yourself because hiding from it is not the answer.

I spent the whole lesson feeling pretty shit I sat next to this girl who made the comments earlier and she kept making comments like dan you look so sad and depressed what's wrong, I literally couldn't hide my state no matter how hard I tried.

This one I DO know: DON'T EVER try to hide what state you're in. Rather, accept it fully.

I've been on the verge of tears before but since I owned it and was ok with it, I had girls talking to me and trying to cheer me up.

I've also hated people with a passion before, but because I owned it and didn't hide it, I got respect and admiration.

Thing is, though, don't lash out at people because of your state. I mean, I may hate people, but I don't try to change them. I just accept that I hate them, and that's all there is to it.

Bottom line: accept whatever state you find yourself in. BUT, more importantly, learn to master your state so you aren't a victim of yourself anymore.

I did however get angry enough to start correcting her in things she said, she asked if she could copy my work and I straight up said no, you can do your own work, that's what I've done. She kept trying to manipulate saying "You'll have fun showing me your work" and "Don't be so mean dan come on..." I didn't let her take advantage of me.

Over all really shitty day to be honest.

I have noticed something weird at the moment, I feel like I can be assertive at home these past few days with less defensiveness and less care which is odd because it feels like the two circumstances have changed I used to be cool and carefree on the outside when I was out, and when I was home I used to feel it was hard to be myself and assertive. WTF IS GOING ON lol.

Meh, I don't know if it's resistance from starting to listen to AM 14-16 hours a day now but something is really feeling shit inside me and there's something limiting me it's horrible. I mean is AM doing something? Is it bringing up some feelings of shame and fear of judgement/rejection and stuff or is it not doing anything and it's just me? I never know.

Shannon? Any clue about what's happening?

Well, I'd say 14 hours is pushing it. I only ever go 12 max.