07-25-2013, 03:43 PM
Day 29- Stage 3 - So I haven't posted in a while because I haven't noticed anything significant to post about. I have been doubting the sub on and off for a while now I wish I could just forget about it and let it do it's thing but I feel like I'm analyzing too much and not living in the present, every morning I wake up and think what will happen today with AM 5.0?
I have had some arguments with family about stuff, and been some tension between me and certain friends, this one guy who I mentioned earlier in this journal gets moody and starts acting arrogant when he's bored or not relaxed and tends to take it out on me, he got in a mood with me because I didn't give him a cig, so I called him out on it, it was awkward but I feel like people need to know the deal. In terms of alphaness, I don't feel alpha much at all recently, quite beta. I've been coming out to socialize alot, but when I'm out there socializing I'm all caught up in my head and not knowing how to act and this reflects on other people, I can sometimes feel my inner state bringing other people's state down and I dont like it cause people don't want to hang around with someone who brings them down. Self esteem is feeling a little low too. I just want some confidence, self respect and results, maybe im looking too hard for them.
In terms of stages, stage 3 has been the most doubt-filled, resistance, turbulent stage so far, stage 2 was kinda nasty cause I was always in bs detector mode but this stage 3 is some real internal turmoil shit, feels like Im being ripped up on the inside and Im trying to find out who I am and how I should act, ego is very present at the moment and it pisses me off.
Hope things smooth out in stage 4
I have had some arguments with family about stuff, and been some tension between me and certain friends, this one guy who I mentioned earlier in this journal gets moody and starts acting arrogant when he's bored or not relaxed and tends to take it out on me, he got in a mood with me because I didn't give him a cig, so I called him out on it, it was awkward but I feel like people need to know the deal. In terms of alphaness, I don't feel alpha much at all recently, quite beta. I've been coming out to socialize alot, but when I'm out there socializing I'm all caught up in my head and not knowing how to act and this reflects on other people, I can sometimes feel my inner state bringing other people's state down and I dont like it cause people don't want to hang around with someone who brings them down. Self esteem is feeling a little low too. I just want some confidence, self respect and results, maybe im looking too hard for them.
In terms of stages, stage 3 has been the most doubt-filled, resistance, turbulent stage so far, stage 2 was kinda nasty cause I was always in bs detector mode but this stage 3 is some real internal turmoil shit, feels like Im being ripped up on the inside and Im trying to find out who I am and how I should act, ego is very present at the moment and it pisses me off.
Hope things smooth out in stage 4
