04-14-2013, 07:26 AM
I think I'm having some trouble with things I don't really understand. Ever since I was a teenager things have been off in my life. I think I was a pretty happy kid, but after I hit puberty things got messy. Maybe it was the responsibilities thrown on me or the stress. Maybe I couldn't cope as well. I'm not gonna toss my hands up and go oh well chemical imbalance, not my fault so I shouldn't try. But my mom's side of the family doesn't have the best track record when it comes to mental health. And I'm a lot like my mom.
So where am I going with this? I think maybe I have to start exploring my physical body more. I'm gonna go to a good doctor and see if they can figure out if somethings wrong. Who knows maybe I can't absorb a vitamin and that's what makes things out of wack. I think if my physical health isn't up to par it's only going to make my ability to deal with my mental health even harder if not impossible.
It just feels like someone sucked the color out of my life. It's just this feeling of being numb to the things around me. And I do try to make the best of things, but when it doesn't work I feel guilty like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know if it's really me not being positive, it's more like an absence of pleasure that makes it hard to live. You really have to have been there to get it, otherwise I think people have a tendency to think I'm just being negative or not trying to be happy enough.
But having said all that, I think accepting where I am and not being so hard on myself is better than saying how I should feel. I'll keep pushing myself to improve, but I won't fill myself with unnecessary guilt when things don't work out as planned.
So where am I going with this? I think maybe I have to start exploring my physical body more. I'm gonna go to a good doctor and see if they can figure out if somethings wrong. Who knows maybe I can't absorb a vitamin and that's what makes things out of wack. I think if my physical health isn't up to par it's only going to make my ability to deal with my mental health even harder if not impossible.
It just feels like someone sucked the color out of my life. It's just this feeling of being numb to the things around me. And I do try to make the best of things, but when it doesn't work I feel guilty like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know if it's really me not being positive, it's more like an absence of pleasure that makes it hard to live. You really have to have been there to get it, otherwise I think people have a tendency to think I'm just being negative or not trying to be happy enough.
But having said all that, I think accepting where I am and not being so hard on myself is better than saying how I should feel. I'll keep pushing myself to improve, but I won't fill myself with unnecessary guilt when things don't work out as planned.
