03-27-2013, 07:54 PM
Fear is rearing it's ugly head again. Although I think now I'm starting to understand how it tends to trick me at times. I have this fear of change, I've pretty much established that. The issue is that this fear is well, just a fear. It's one of those things that I have trouble talking myself out of because any attempt to remove this fear is replaced with more fear. So I have to be mindful of how tricky things can get.
I noticed today that my fear of change caused me to believe that things couldn't change or it was impossible. In my conscious mind I know I have to get better and move on with my life, in fact I want to. But my subconscious has this fear of the unknown that is paralyzing at times. Basically my mind is being pulled in two different directions and it's no wonder I've been depressed lately. It gets very frustrating and because it happens repeatedly after a while it just gets to me.
I looked at the script for this subliminal and it says destroying fear. Up until now I saw fear as the enemy, something that needed to be obliterated or destroyed. Now I'm not so sure. Let's say fear is a learned response, essentially it's just my mind doing it's best to learn and protect me. I can't fault it for that, it's not the enemy, it's just not operating the way I want it to. Or maybe viewing fear as this thing inside of me was filling me with guilt or shame because I couldn't overcome it. It was this huge monster that seemed so intimidating. I just had a shift where I saw fear as this thing that I learned, something I constructed, it doesn't have a mind of it's own and it isn't some evil force hell bent on destroying my life. It's just an error in my mind that's been causing me trouble. And since it's my mind I have the power to fix it.
And even with guilt and shame it's interesting because I'd feel guilty and ashamed for having those negative emotions. What I failed to realize was that, it wasn't my fault. It's alright that I have those negative emotions, it just means I need to focus on getting better. So obvious, but it's not clear until you understand it. I blame myself so much for everything, I feel like if I don't feel guilty then I'm not taking responsibility for it.
I'll be honest I'm having a really hard time pulling away from my old self. I have these moments where I feel like I need to go back to old ways. I think so much of my identity is tangled up in these negative feelings and I feel like I'm losing a part of myself along with it. The more clear I feel and free from these things, the more confused I get. Because I've only lived my life in fear and negative feelings, it's like entering into the world not knowing how to live. It's like being at war for years and coming back to peace and not really knowing how to integrate.
And I think I'm having trouble with completely letting go of some of the more negative stuff because it was a huge struggle for me. There's this common belief that depression or anxiety is permanent and you are born with this burden to carry and all you do is suffer for the rest of your life. Moving beyond that suffering is hard. Why? Because of my ego I guess. I've been around forums for people struggling from depression or anxiety and when someone gets better or offers their advice there always seems to be hostility towards the person. They'll say that they never really had a real problem, it was minor, that they had it easy, it's not that easy, etc. Continual suffering is rewarded and improvement is met with skepticism and lack of encouragement. So if I move past everything, I feel like everyone is just going to deny that I ever struggled so badly. That takes one hell of a big ego, but at the same time I think it just reflects deep feelings of always being misunderstood and hiding how I felt for so many years.
In a way I think it's my inner child, I tried as hard as I could to separate from that kid, but I realized that this kid was me and to deny that part of me was to deny myself. I tried really hard to be something I'm not in order to hide from that deeply ashamed feeling I had for being who I am. Why I have that shame for being myself, I really don't know. But I know deep down that I don't need to feel that way and it's ok to let go of that shame because it doesn't serve any purpose.
Well I'm writing a freakin novel here, but I guess a lot of that had to be said. I think tonight I'm starting to really hit the raw feelings with this sub. Something that always amazes me is that even when I think I know myself, I don't. It's like I'm constantly cleaning off this mud and I get closer and closer to the core of my being. It just makes me realize that I'll just continue to grow and enjoy the process of discovery.
I noticed today that my fear of change caused me to believe that things couldn't change or it was impossible. In my conscious mind I know I have to get better and move on with my life, in fact I want to. But my subconscious has this fear of the unknown that is paralyzing at times. Basically my mind is being pulled in two different directions and it's no wonder I've been depressed lately. It gets very frustrating and because it happens repeatedly after a while it just gets to me.
I looked at the script for this subliminal and it says destroying fear. Up until now I saw fear as the enemy, something that needed to be obliterated or destroyed. Now I'm not so sure. Let's say fear is a learned response, essentially it's just my mind doing it's best to learn and protect me. I can't fault it for that, it's not the enemy, it's just not operating the way I want it to. Or maybe viewing fear as this thing inside of me was filling me with guilt or shame because I couldn't overcome it. It was this huge monster that seemed so intimidating. I just had a shift where I saw fear as this thing that I learned, something I constructed, it doesn't have a mind of it's own and it isn't some evil force hell bent on destroying my life. It's just an error in my mind that's been causing me trouble. And since it's my mind I have the power to fix it.
And even with guilt and shame it's interesting because I'd feel guilty and ashamed for having those negative emotions. What I failed to realize was that, it wasn't my fault. It's alright that I have those negative emotions, it just means I need to focus on getting better. So obvious, but it's not clear until you understand it. I blame myself so much for everything, I feel like if I don't feel guilty then I'm not taking responsibility for it.
I'll be honest I'm having a really hard time pulling away from my old self. I have these moments where I feel like I need to go back to old ways. I think so much of my identity is tangled up in these negative feelings and I feel like I'm losing a part of myself along with it. The more clear I feel and free from these things, the more confused I get. Because I've only lived my life in fear and negative feelings, it's like entering into the world not knowing how to live. It's like being at war for years and coming back to peace and not really knowing how to integrate.
And I think I'm having trouble with completely letting go of some of the more negative stuff because it was a huge struggle for me. There's this common belief that depression or anxiety is permanent and you are born with this burden to carry and all you do is suffer for the rest of your life. Moving beyond that suffering is hard. Why? Because of my ego I guess. I've been around forums for people struggling from depression or anxiety and when someone gets better or offers their advice there always seems to be hostility towards the person. They'll say that they never really had a real problem, it was minor, that they had it easy, it's not that easy, etc. Continual suffering is rewarded and improvement is met with skepticism and lack of encouragement. So if I move past everything, I feel like everyone is just going to deny that I ever struggled so badly. That takes one hell of a big ego, but at the same time I think it just reflects deep feelings of always being misunderstood and hiding how I felt for so many years.
In a way I think it's my inner child, I tried as hard as I could to separate from that kid, but I realized that this kid was me and to deny that part of me was to deny myself. I tried really hard to be something I'm not in order to hide from that deeply ashamed feeling I had for being who I am. Why I have that shame for being myself, I really don't know. But I know deep down that I don't need to feel that way and it's ok to let go of that shame because it doesn't serve any purpose.
Well I'm writing a freakin novel here, but I guess a lot of that had to be said. I think tonight I'm starting to really hit the raw feelings with this sub. Something that always amazes me is that even when I think I know myself, I don't. It's like I'm constantly cleaning off this mud and I get closer and closer to the core of my being. It just makes me realize that I'll just continue to grow and enjoy the process of discovery.
