03-20-2013, 04:41 PM
Had a pretty profound realization today. I've been underestimating how deep all this stuff goes. By now I'm quite skilled at silencing my internal dialogue if it gets negative or pushing away negative thoughts. But you know what? Just because I can't hear them or don't dwell on them doesn't mean there isn't something deeper there. This was my greatest mistake. I think I'm very logical, I tell myself that if I change my internal dialogue from day to day, start thinking positive, then I'll be free of all the negative things. But I realized how I neglected to realize the emotional side to things or the deeper feelings. The ones that don't play by the rules of logic and have to be processed without interference.
What I realized today is that I have to start being honest with my feelings. I have this shame associated with being an incomplete person or just less than others. And it's hard even acknowledging that because it triggers those deep feelings of shame. I know most people have a hard time with opening up to others, but I feel like it's even harder for me. I think I've spent a large portion of my life trying to cover up those negative feelings inside of me or that feeling of being inferior. No matter how much improvement I made it was never good enough because in the end I was covering myself up more instead of opening up. Even using the alpha male sub, it was always about becoming a different person, to leave behind all those problems and detach from myself. When it should have been about accepting myself and then improving on that.
I really don't have close relationships with anyone. Not even my parents. I keep people at arms length. I tend to avoid people even when they reach out. I used to think it was just the anxiety that made things difficult and that's why I avoided stuff. But I realized it's actually me, I'm just afraid of people seeing the faults in me. Or what I think of myself, I'm afraid that that's what people see and that's something I try to hide from people I guess.
What I realized today is that I have to start being honest with my feelings. I have this shame associated with being an incomplete person or just less than others. And it's hard even acknowledging that because it triggers those deep feelings of shame. I know most people have a hard time with opening up to others, but I feel like it's even harder for me. I think I've spent a large portion of my life trying to cover up those negative feelings inside of me or that feeling of being inferior. No matter how much improvement I made it was never good enough because in the end I was covering myself up more instead of opening up. Even using the alpha male sub, it was always about becoming a different person, to leave behind all those problems and detach from myself. When it should have been about accepting myself and then improving on that.
I really don't have close relationships with anyone. Not even my parents. I keep people at arms length. I tend to avoid people even when they reach out. I used to think it was just the anxiety that made things difficult and that's why I avoided stuff. But I realized it's actually me, I'm just afraid of people seeing the faults in me. Or what I think of myself, I'm afraid that that's what people see and that's something I try to hide from people I guess.
