12-25-2012, 08:51 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-25-2012, 08:57 AM by LionMonkey.)
Hope everyone had a great Christmas! 
Stage 1 - Day 31
"I feel misunderstood" something I just have in me. Not trying to express it. My best friends and people who know me from when I was little understand this.
Yesterday night there were some parent issues again. My father is very bad at communicating and my mom is always trying to hold it all together when procrastination isn't there. They both have a good heart but my fathers pride/ego brings out his immature self that I think is disgusting...
(It's strange. I can write about this issue freely but I don't talk about it with friends. Something in me says that it's not necessary and it wont do any good. I let it dwell somewhere in me and focus on the now)
Later I went to one of my friends, late night, as a tradition to drink a few beers and head to the bars afterwards.
As I entered my friends house I saw a Christmas tree and a lot of opened presents around it. Then I entered the dining room and there were 10-12 people most of them from my friends family. No music on. I felt quite uncomfortable. Speaking with low voice I greeted some of the people I knew. My good friend and his passionate mom were there too. His mom kept looking at me in like a "wonder" way and said it was great to see me again. I was polite and said likewise but without the energy in it at all :S
(I haven't been socializing for 3-4 days and this setting, I am not used to it at all! plus coming from a wrecked atmosphere from home. It set the icing on the cake)
They had just finished the package game and were now playing around with the presents. I tried to make myself comfortable and tried to play with a puzzle. Suddenly my friends elder sister (which I know from former get-togethers like these and from childhood but have never really got into a deeper interaction) asked me about what I was doing now. She was sitting in the opposite side of the table from me so there were like 2 meters distance between us.
I felt extremely uneasy. I answered her questions without feeling the energy at all but I maintained myself so there were no signs of nervousness but just very uncomfortable.
(I visualized how I would rather have it happen another time in a situation like this. Being extremely honest and it goes something along like this; "I feel very uncomfortable telling you in this distance. Why don't you come over here or make some space over there and I'll tell you with pleasure")
My bodylanguage was very strong and proud throughout the whole night. It was just my communication skills that was out of track.
I began talking with my good friends mom and I felt quite uneasy in the beginning. Eventually a small thought appeared in my mind, saying "People are more concerned about what you think of them than what they think of you", which made me feel much more on ease.
We talked about being non-judgmental but still not naive. About couch-surfing and about how her mission in life has been to teach his son that he is his own man and that he should go doing what HE wants. That he is his own person.
I found it very interesting for a mom to say this. Has she succeeded? I think so. My good friend is strange in his own ways but thats great. He's a great person and he is not boring
I excused myself to the toilet and when I came back she told me that she really liked that I had become communicative. She said she remembered how much of a computer-geek I was and I wasn't really communicating back then. She liked it and excused if it came off as something bad.
I liked it because it was the truth. Even though lately I've had some time of playing again.
Throughout the night I wasn't very curious at all. When people asked about me I wouldn't really ask about them again and I was never really the one who started a conversation. Even though somewhere deep in me I knew it would be great to be the guy who talks with everybody and are able to make the gathering more interesting!
It became late and we hit the bars around 2 in the night. Filled up bars with happy people around the city. Some cute girls without any guys. Guys on the hunt.
On the way home I notice a girl I've seen sometimes in the town before. Real cute but have had a bad first impression of me. I invited her as my date for new years but she was going to berlin with her friend to celebrate it. I told her f*** that and come with me instead.
I could see she actually wanted to be with me instead by the long holding eye contact from moment to moment...
I have noticed I've become much more polite after starting WM. Some traits that beforehand I would think as a nice-guy wussy behavior. It's strange. (During my AM and my SM, I would do and say very edgy things just to see what I can get away with) Now I'm much more laid back and I also just let people do what they want to do. I can't really get a hold of how much "leading" and persistency skills I have. Usually I'm not very persistent with new girls I meet.
It's like there is a hole in my mind about the whole alpha thing. It's not something I pressure towards, thinking, "I gotta maintain their attention" and then force an action out of myself to try to make it happen....
Been thinking how much cooler it would be to spend my holiday in other ways. I'm not made to be in a cold and dark country for this long every year!
Stage 1 - Day 31
"I feel misunderstood" something I just have in me. Not trying to express it. My best friends and people who know me from when I was little understand this.
Yesterday night there were some parent issues again. My father is very bad at communicating and my mom is always trying to hold it all together when procrastination isn't there. They both have a good heart but my fathers pride/ego brings out his immature self that I think is disgusting...
(It's strange. I can write about this issue freely but I don't talk about it with friends. Something in me says that it's not necessary and it wont do any good. I let it dwell somewhere in me and focus on the now)
Later I went to one of my friends, late night, as a tradition to drink a few beers and head to the bars afterwards.
As I entered my friends house I saw a Christmas tree and a lot of opened presents around it. Then I entered the dining room and there were 10-12 people most of them from my friends family. No music on. I felt quite uncomfortable. Speaking with low voice I greeted some of the people I knew. My good friend and his passionate mom were there too. His mom kept looking at me in like a "wonder" way and said it was great to see me again. I was polite and said likewise but without the energy in it at all :S
(I haven't been socializing for 3-4 days and this setting, I am not used to it at all! plus coming from a wrecked atmosphere from home. It set the icing on the cake)
They had just finished the package game and were now playing around with the presents. I tried to make myself comfortable and tried to play with a puzzle. Suddenly my friends elder sister (which I know from former get-togethers like these and from childhood but have never really got into a deeper interaction) asked me about what I was doing now. She was sitting in the opposite side of the table from me so there were like 2 meters distance between us.
I felt extremely uneasy. I answered her questions without feeling the energy at all but I maintained myself so there were no signs of nervousness but just very uncomfortable.
(I visualized how I would rather have it happen another time in a situation like this. Being extremely honest and it goes something along like this; "I feel very uncomfortable telling you in this distance. Why don't you come over here or make some space over there and I'll tell you with pleasure")
My bodylanguage was very strong and proud throughout the whole night. It was just my communication skills that was out of track.
I began talking with my good friends mom and I felt quite uneasy in the beginning. Eventually a small thought appeared in my mind, saying "People are more concerned about what you think of them than what they think of you", which made me feel much more on ease.
We talked about being non-judgmental but still not naive. About couch-surfing and about how her mission in life has been to teach his son that he is his own man and that he should go doing what HE wants. That he is his own person.
I found it very interesting for a mom to say this. Has she succeeded? I think so. My good friend is strange in his own ways but thats great. He's a great person and he is not boring
I excused myself to the toilet and when I came back she told me that she really liked that I had become communicative. She said she remembered how much of a computer-geek I was and I wasn't really communicating back then. She liked it and excused if it came off as something bad.
I liked it because it was the truth. Even though lately I've had some time of playing again.
Throughout the night I wasn't very curious at all. When people asked about me I wouldn't really ask about them again and I was never really the one who started a conversation. Even though somewhere deep in me I knew it would be great to be the guy who talks with everybody and are able to make the gathering more interesting!
It became late and we hit the bars around 2 in the night. Filled up bars with happy people around the city. Some cute girls without any guys. Guys on the hunt.
On the way home I notice a girl I've seen sometimes in the town before. Real cute but have had a bad first impression of me. I invited her as my date for new years but she was going to berlin with her friend to celebrate it. I told her f*** that and come with me instead.
I could see she actually wanted to be with me instead by the long holding eye contact from moment to moment...
I have noticed I've become much more polite after starting WM. Some traits that beforehand I would think as a nice-guy wussy behavior. It's strange. (During my AM and my SM, I would do and say very edgy things just to see what I can get away with) Now I'm much more laid back and I also just let people do what they want to do. I can't really get a hold of how much "leading" and persistency skills I have. Usually I'm not very persistent with new girls I meet.
It's like there is a hole in my mind about the whole alpha thing. It's not something I pressure towards, thinking, "I gotta maintain their attention" and then force an action out of myself to try to make it happen....
Been thinking how much cooler it would be to spend my holiday in other ways. I'm not made to be in a cold and dark country for this long every year!
1. Do whatever you want.. risk whatever your gut tells you because.. you know you have good intentions.
2. Pressure forms the man.
3. Clarity gives space for better decisions.
