Roy's Alpha Male Journal

[Majordomus]

Hi

More doubts,worry and negative feelings now.Pretty much depressed
for the last two days.I really don't feel like doing anything.
It's not like mild negative feelings, they are quite strong.

It's like I'm looking at things and it either they are not right
or like I don't belong.

I think I'm acting little differently in the last few days.Not sure about
that yet.

I've started the Alpha Male 2010 about 10 days ago, and after day one my balanced and overall positive mood (that I mostly got from a month of ASC) took a real nose dive. It's like there is this negative pressure that sorta resembles wanting to cry but a lack of emotion (behind it) to do it. I know what depressed feels like, and this more like the feeling of sadness is expressing itself without the reason behind it to be sad. It sucks because you can't do something about it, it just kicks back in place after doing something fun. I also don't feel like doing much, and became a lot less outgoing the past few days, making decisions seems harder (what I did notice is that I'm prioritizing myself over others more with ease), and I'm overall a lot less confident, in some cases almost scared of people, or ashamed that people could see me. And I thought I already had dealt with this in the past...

I already sent a PM to Shannon yesterday in hope to have some things cleared up about this, since this isn't anything that has been mentioned on these forums about the Alpha Male program until now. And it's quite a distressing feeling, especially since it hasn't changed that much over the last 9-10 days.

Also I'm being reminded of certain past "traumatic" events, which I for the most part forgot in which I'm more seeing it from their perspective, and see how weak and illogical I reacted in some cases. I'm also dreaming a lot about taking revenge on past bullies or people who want to best at me.

I'm also using ASC + Become Irresistibly (since about 6 days) to combat these feelings, I feel a little bit more stable but I don't notice much other than that.

I am definitely going through the same experiences only after one day. But I consider it a good sign.
I have a lot of experience with emotional healing techniques and past trauma healing to know that our past experiences are behind much of our response patterns.
So whenever your subconscious is told to adopt a different response pattern, it will bring up issues from the past that are inconsistent with it.
Me, myself, I will probably reintroduce some techniques for healing past pain into my life again.
Such as EFT, TAT, primal therapy or Levine's Somatic Experiencing.
In simplest case, you can help yourself just by taking a pillow, lying down in a dark and screaming to the pillow or letting stuff out in other ways (such as shaking or twisting and kicking and punching), letting your body to complete what it was not allowed to express long time ago.
I think Shannon relies solely on the power of dreams to flush this away, which might take longer time, but after a repeated reconditioning, happens anyway.
So no need to be afraid, it will pass.

Pretty interesting insight there, if that’s true then it’s working from the core (or core beliefs). It’s like trying to manipulate, change or destroy the top of a table, but the legs are still reinforcing whatever belief the top is representing.

Thanks for the explanation, this somewhat explains that constant feeling of dread, now I think of it, you could actually call this trauma. It’s like telling a Christian to become an Atheist against their will. Highly traumatic in case the person has much identification with his/her own faith etc. and it is being hammered down without any remorse.

Reminds me of the phrase, “You first have to kill the boy, before you can become a man”. But then phrased properly

Very well put