08-27-2024, 09:20 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-27-2024, 09:20 AM by Have at ye.)
It's a funny thing. So, when I'm in what I call a depressive state I am depressed, anhedonic, yadda yadda, and it's like there's a tremendous amount of (self)hate being directed at me. But when I play f. in. more loops of EHPRA this goes away and I'm more outwardly hating (which is limited to my internal monlogue and maybe a little bit of revenge fantasies and such, but still). This is lessened than it used to, but it is something.
It's also like a block because whenever I expressed displeasure at someone or something, I'd usually face either of two reactions: a) invalidating my point or b) punishment, as if what I had just done was a form of misbehavior (oftentimes resembling something called DARVO which was my ex-girlfriend's thing. She *loved* playing the victim while essentially being a spoiled, wealthy classist brat with a silver spoon in her mouth). Thus, having faced a severe consequence of having done so (losing my singing job which meant a lot to me) I kinda went into "self-blame" mode. Something like that.
Two more days until I get to blabber about this stuff to my analyst, oyy.
I do have a lead on an acting job in a toruing company, we'll see how auditions go this weekend (not much time to prepare, as usual. Waiting on the scripts and dates). I'd prefer singing, but acting is a soft enough racket as well, haha.
It's also like a block because whenever I expressed displeasure at someone or something, I'd usually face either of two reactions: a) invalidating my point or b) punishment, as if what I had just done was a form of misbehavior (oftentimes resembling something called DARVO which was my ex-girlfriend's thing. She *loved* playing the victim while essentially being a spoiled, wealthy classist brat with a silver spoon in her mouth). Thus, having faced a severe consequence of having done so (losing my singing job which meant a lot to me) I kinda went into "self-blame" mode. Something like that.
Two more days until I get to blabber about this stuff to my analyst, oyy.
I do have a lead on an acting job in a toruing company, we'll see how auditions go this weekend (not much time to prepare, as usual. Waiting on the scripts and dates). I'd prefer singing, but acting is a soft enough racket as well, haha.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
