Had an interesting saturday night, noticably more uninhibited in my friends group and one crazy thing happened, the other was fairly interesting and got me thinking that both were due to me being less inhibited, not really giving a fuck and just having fun. I won't tell the stories though.
But that night I think or the next day this sabotage come up strongly and derailed that shift. It hasn't come up like this in a while and is slightly happening less since treating it as a part of me and communicating with it, but still haven't been able to solve it.
Had some very strong intensity, depression earlier this week so I went back to listening a few days early into the off days. As soon as I started listening I felt much better.
I went on a big of a games binge, then earlier in the week I had the sudden urge to delete my games off steam and my C: reflexively as I realized how much time it's wasting. Yesterday I was struggling to focus and am having strong symptoms from chinese herbs and I started to play a game, very interesting because almost instantly my head cleared, I relaxed and felt better. Weird, but I realized that part of how I was feeling could have been a dopamine withdrawal especially with how I felt better instantly, and I ended up turning the game off.
Yesterday also I had some quite disturbing thoughts coming up that I really don't like and hasn't come up for a long time, I tried to stay with them thinking that I just have to allow it to be there to walk through. I feel it's due to past trauma, fear, rejection and such.
And I identified a new form of resistance which has happened twice now, and it's a sneaky and very convincing one. On UH I may have mentioned that I suddenly got this strong positive feeling of "I'm ready to move forward now" and I went with it and stopped UH and things went downhill, my gf broke up with me and things were weird for a while. Well I had this yesterday with OGSF v2, this strong feeling of "it's time to move forward now" and it didn't feel like resistance, especially since it's a positive feeling that seemed to be guiding me, not intense negative emotions trying to get me away from OGSF. And I partly gave in and did some processes on forgiveness with an audio then it guided me to release some other stuff around goals.
And last night I woke up in the middle of the night annoyed and realizing I had derailed OGSF again, at the time I did the process it felt fine but I woke up feeling distinctly different and realize how natural being under the influence of OGSF (and other new programs especially) feels very natural but there's this distinct feeling there that i've only become aware of if i've disruped the program. And I also started realizing all the things v2 is doing, alot more than expected. Haven't had much urge to look at porn for like a whole month, deleted my games.. and today after interrupting it i've got a strong desire for both, especially porn. I was starting to get off the computer more and read which is more constructive.
Plus other unexpected things it was doing. I also since last night have had this low grade anxiety in the background, my thoughts are that OGSF was working on something that was covered by the conscious shielding so now i'm feeling it more.
This is interesting also. I'm taking chinese herbs from acupuncture and the last lot I got diahhrea and it was overwhelming so he said to stop them. This lot is a different mix but the same thing happened from day 1, but felt more constructive this time plus old symptoms from years ago coming up stronger than in a long time which tells me it's going deep, so i've pushed through it. But a week of this is testing me, yesterday was pretty bad, felt especially weak. Then last night after disrupting OGSF I had a realization "ok the page talks about diahhrea, gastriointestinal distress (i've had pains in the gut too)" so I wonder if it's a combination of both. I definately attribute it to the herbs since it happened last time taking them and this time on the first day I started taking these ones, but it could be a combination of that and OGSF processing deep stuff (I hope it's that too). But I also realized OGSF is what lead me to acupuncture in the first place to heal more and get more energy.. hmm.
Also a strong feeling of sadness has been attached to these physical symptoms.
It's difficult not to goto one of the coping mechanisms with what's going on physically and emotionally.
But that night I think or the next day this sabotage come up strongly and derailed that shift. It hasn't come up like this in a while and is slightly happening less since treating it as a part of me and communicating with it, but still haven't been able to solve it.
Had some very strong intensity, depression earlier this week so I went back to listening a few days early into the off days. As soon as I started listening I felt much better.
I went on a big of a games binge, then earlier in the week I had the sudden urge to delete my games off steam and my C: reflexively as I realized how much time it's wasting. Yesterday I was struggling to focus and am having strong symptoms from chinese herbs and I started to play a game, very interesting because almost instantly my head cleared, I relaxed and felt better. Weird, but I realized that part of how I was feeling could have been a dopamine withdrawal especially with how I felt better instantly, and I ended up turning the game off.
Yesterday also I had some quite disturbing thoughts coming up that I really don't like and hasn't come up for a long time, I tried to stay with them thinking that I just have to allow it to be there to walk through. I feel it's due to past trauma, fear, rejection and such.
And I identified a new form of resistance which has happened twice now, and it's a sneaky and very convincing one. On UH I may have mentioned that I suddenly got this strong positive feeling of "I'm ready to move forward now" and I went with it and stopped UH and things went downhill, my gf broke up with me and things were weird for a while. Well I had this yesterday with OGSF v2, this strong feeling of "it's time to move forward now" and it didn't feel like resistance, especially since it's a positive feeling that seemed to be guiding me, not intense negative emotions trying to get me away from OGSF. And I partly gave in and did some processes on forgiveness with an audio then it guided me to release some other stuff around goals.
And last night I woke up in the middle of the night annoyed and realizing I had derailed OGSF again, at the time I did the process it felt fine but I woke up feeling distinctly different and realize how natural being under the influence of OGSF (and other new programs especially) feels very natural but there's this distinct feeling there that i've only become aware of if i've disruped the program. And I also started realizing all the things v2 is doing, alot more than expected. Haven't had much urge to look at porn for like a whole month, deleted my games.. and today after interrupting it i've got a strong desire for both, especially porn. I was starting to get off the computer more and read which is more constructive.
Plus other unexpected things it was doing. I also since last night have had this low grade anxiety in the background, my thoughts are that OGSF was working on something that was covered by the conscious shielding so now i'm feeling it more.
This is interesting also. I'm taking chinese herbs from acupuncture and the last lot I got diahhrea and it was overwhelming so he said to stop them. This lot is a different mix but the same thing happened from day 1, but felt more constructive this time plus old symptoms from years ago coming up stronger than in a long time which tells me it's going deep, so i've pushed through it. But a week of this is testing me, yesterday was pretty bad, felt especially weak. Then last night after disrupting OGSF I had a realization "ok the page talks about diahhrea, gastriointestinal distress (i've had pains in the gut too)" so I wonder if it's a combination of both. I definately attribute it to the herbs since it happened last time taking them and this time on the first day I started taking these ones, but it could be a combination of that and OGSF processing deep stuff (I hope it's that too). But I also realized OGSF is what lead me to acupuncture in the first place to heal more and get more energy.. hmm.
Also a strong feeling of sadness has been attached to these physical symptoms.
It's difficult not to goto one of the coping mechanisms with what's going on physically and emotionally.
