Last night was my first night back on after the off period. I woke up feeling strange which I think has happened a few times on V2. Strange like "I don't know what's going on, but something is happening". I can't explain past that.
Went down the street as I felt like getting out of the house. Almost feeling a numbness around girls, like whatever fear is there I can't really feel it consciously, but it just pushes me away. I had one strange thing happen in a big store, there was a couple of cute girls together.. I was looking at shirts, and one come around the corner of the rack right next to me and put a scream mask on, I kind of laughed and thought it was unusual. She didn't stay there for very long and went back to her friends.. I don't know if i'm imagining this part or not but I swear she said something like "he ignored me" and after that i'm like "fucking hell, I have shit like this happen and can't even bring myself to talk to her".
Seen a woman I know and her daughter I met at her birthday, and this again makes me think i'm intimidating to girls. I seen her in the street a few times and she kind of just looked at me weirdly and said nothing. But also it's likely my own comfort since fear in that first situation blocks me, and today I felt comfortable and talked to her and she talked to me quite a bit.
Actually last night in bed or early this morning when I got up, I can't remember.. I had this thought of "maybe I can talk to girls now" but heavy sabotage kept trying to come up against it. And today I noticed I had more doubtful and insecure thoughts and imagining negative potential scenerios of talking to girls.. but maybe these were at the subconscious level and are coming to my conscious awareness, that makes alot of sense.
Also some confusion, not sure if this is resistance to OGSF. Reading MrGnome's posts reminds me alot of myself and issues i've had and have. I've kept gravitating to healing type programs because AM6 was rough and I felt fear and other baggage held me back. And in the time since using it i've had quite alot of trauma and baggage added to that. But it's like i'm using these healing type programs, feeling a bit better at times, making some gradual progress maybe, glimpses of opening up, then somehow sabotaging a whole lot of the progress made.. and this time after UH was the worst that's happened in a while and I feel I singlehandedly destroyed alot of my Masculinity programming from AM6, LTU, UH and such without meaning to using another process... but this is a PATTERN that keeps coming up and can't be a coincidence, especially like I made alot of progress on UH more than in ages and then it come up even stronger than last time to sabotage that, and almost like a punishment for making more progress it decided to destroy even more this time. Sounds crazy I know, and i'm not saying this with intense emotions, but that's what comes up around what's happening.
But am I just using all this healing as an excuse to not move forward? Before I stopped UH I had this strong feeling of "Ok it's time to move forward in life now" then I played around with other things for a few months trying to do that as I didn't really have a subliminal specific to where I wanted to go and didn't make alot of progress, then to OGSF v1 and now V2. There's been a few times i've written down my goals in detail, and even a few months ago why I want those goals.. but again haven't made much progress towards any of them like for a long time.
It's like "oh yeah i'm still healing cos i'm so messed up" and not really making steps forward, almost like side steps.
So my conflicting thoughts are... (I keep wondering if it's resistance or not, because there are very logical points in these thoughts).
-Use Money Magnet, as really the biggest step I need to make is being held back by lack of money. But also that step has been prevented by a huge amount of fear and shutting down. But also the chronic fatigue and still not fully having the energy levels to be able to really do the things I need to do.
-Or from Shannon's replied to MrGnome which are getting me to formulate my own goal with the formula given.. go back to AM6. This feels like a step back for me and like "Fuck I did that years ago, I even did it for a year" and the thought of it doesn't enthuse me much. On the other hand using ASC 6g and then AM7 when they come out, i'm very enthused for that knowing how big a step forward they will be.
-Obviously the other choice is continue OGSF v2 which i'm doing for now.
UH was more obvious than OGSF v1 and v2, if there was a UH v2 i'd get right on it.. though I don't think it was popular enough that it would happen. Especially since I do still need physical healing, but the thought of stopping everything to use OPH doesn't enthuse me either cos I feel like i'm wasting more time and not moving forward.
To be fair I can't totally say v2 is doing nothing.. still haven't been on social media much other than when I reactivated it in the last post, and briefly today but that was for a reason to look up some fitness stuff and not random bullshit, and not much urge to play games which has been a very long term thing to just do to waste time.
But as usual, feel shifts coming in like when I wake up at night, then this big sabotage thing trying to destroy it or making some of it go away. It's less obvious than before, partly due to something I did on it before starting v2 and maybe partly v2 itself.
And again without even realizing, i've not posted this much in a journal in years either.
Went down the street as I felt like getting out of the house. Almost feeling a numbness around girls, like whatever fear is there I can't really feel it consciously, but it just pushes me away. I had one strange thing happen in a big store, there was a couple of cute girls together.. I was looking at shirts, and one come around the corner of the rack right next to me and put a scream mask on, I kind of laughed and thought it was unusual. She didn't stay there for very long and went back to her friends.. I don't know if i'm imagining this part or not but I swear she said something like "he ignored me" and after that i'm like "fucking hell, I have shit like this happen and can't even bring myself to talk to her".
Seen a woman I know and her daughter I met at her birthday, and this again makes me think i'm intimidating to girls. I seen her in the street a few times and she kind of just looked at me weirdly and said nothing. But also it's likely my own comfort since fear in that first situation blocks me, and today I felt comfortable and talked to her and she talked to me quite a bit.
Actually last night in bed or early this morning when I got up, I can't remember.. I had this thought of "maybe I can talk to girls now" but heavy sabotage kept trying to come up against it. And today I noticed I had more doubtful and insecure thoughts and imagining negative potential scenerios of talking to girls.. but maybe these were at the subconscious level and are coming to my conscious awareness, that makes alot of sense.
Also some confusion, not sure if this is resistance to OGSF. Reading MrGnome's posts reminds me alot of myself and issues i've had and have. I've kept gravitating to healing type programs because AM6 was rough and I felt fear and other baggage held me back. And in the time since using it i've had quite alot of trauma and baggage added to that. But it's like i'm using these healing type programs, feeling a bit better at times, making some gradual progress maybe, glimpses of opening up, then somehow sabotaging a whole lot of the progress made.. and this time after UH was the worst that's happened in a while and I feel I singlehandedly destroyed alot of my Masculinity programming from AM6, LTU, UH and such without meaning to using another process... but this is a PATTERN that keeps coming up and can't be a coincidence, especially like I made alot of progress on UH more than in ages and then it come up even stronger than last time to sabotage that, and almost like a punishment for making more progress it decided to destroy even more this time. Sounds crazy I know, and i'm not saying this with intense emotions, but that's what comes up around what's happening.
But am I just using all this healing as an excuse to not move forward? Before I stopped UH I had this strong feeling of "Ok it's time to move forward in life now" then I played around with other things for a few months trying to do that as I didn't really have a subliminal specific to where I wanted to go and didn't make alot of progress, then to OGSF v1 and now V2. There's been a few times i've written down my goals in detail, and even a few months ago why I want those goals.. but again haven't made much progress towards any of them like for a long time.
It's like "oh yeah i'm still healing cos i'm so messed up" and not really making steps forward, almost like side steps.
So my conflicting thoughts are... (I keep wondering if it's resistance or not, because there are very logical points in these thoughts).
-Use Money Magnet, as really the biggest step I need to make is being held back by lack of money. But also that step has been prevented by a huge amount of fear and shutting down. But also the chronic fatigue and still not fully having the energy levels to be able to really do the things I need to do.
-Or from Shannon's replied to MrGnome which are getting me to formulate my own goal with the formula given.. go back to AM6. This feels like a step back for me and like "Fuck I did that years ago, I even did it for a year" and the thought of it doesn't enthuse me much. On the other hand using ASC 6g and then AM7 when they come out, i'm very enthused for that knowing how big a step forward they will be.
-Obviously the other choice is continue OGSF v2 which i'm doing for now.
UH was more obvious than OGSF v1 and v2, if there was a UH v2 i'd get right on it.. though I don't think it was popular enough that it would happen. Especially since I do still need physical healing, but the thought of stopping everything to use OPH doesn't enthuse me either cos I feel like i'm wasting more time and not moving forward.
To be fair I can't totally say v2 is doing nothing.. still haven't been on social media much other than when I reactivated it in the last post, and briefly today but that was for a reason to look up some fitness stuff and not random bullshit, and not much urge to play games which has been a very long term thing to just do to waste time.
But as usual, feel shifts coming in like when I wake up at night, then this big sabotage thing trying to destroy it or making some of it go away. It's less obvious than before, partly due to something I did on it before starting v2 and maybe partly v2 itself.
And again without even realizing, i've not posted this much in a journal in years either.
