09-18-2023, 02:13 PM
This sub is really diving deep inside and I can now realize how the results last week were driven by my ego more specifically my need for external validation because there is a part of me that feels defective and unlovable.
It seems like a fear may have been removed around facing my emotions and behaviors with absolute honesty no matter how hard they may seem. It's become clear to me and I have accepted that most of what I do and how I am is about getting external validation and getting others to like me. I felt so much shame around this in the past that I couldn't face it and be honest about it. That has left me with this part of me that feels deeply unlovable and defective that in the past would do things like go on tinder for validation, try look good for validation, try to do a good job for validation and now I'm starting to sit with it and listen to it at times there has been a lot of pain and tears coming up and other times it feels quite at peace. There has been some guilt come up because I had to face the fact that the reason I have been on and off with this one girl for 17 years is that I really couldn't face being alone and face those deep feels of being unlovable that I was so afraid and ashamed of so would go back to her because I knew it would temporarily relieve those feelings. There is a lot more that has gone on but I've gained a lot of clarity and ability to look inside and really see myself and my behavior and what drives it. It now seems to be starting to touch on my deep fear of rejection this is the deepest fear I've ever been able to identify but who knows if there are more.
On the other side I have had less of a desire for porn and bad food and drinking. The desire to be in good shape is starting to change from a need for external validation to a need to be healthy to enjoy my life there's still some need for external validation there but it seems to be reducing a bit.
A part of me wishes I had waited for EPRHA but another part just wants to do more of OGSF.
It seems like a fear may have been removed around facing my emotions and behaviors with absolute honesty no matter how hard they may seem. It's become clear to me and I have accepted that most of what I do and how I am is about getting external validation and getting others to like me. I felt so much shame around this in the past that I couldn't face it and be honest about it. That has left me with this part of me that feels deeply unlovable and defective that in the past would do things like go on tinder for validation, try look good for validation, try to do a good job for validation and now I'm starting to sit with it and listen to it at times there has been a lot of pain and tears coming up and other times it feels quite at peace. There has been some guilt come up because I had to face the fact that the reason I have been on and off with this one girl for 17 years is that I really couldn't face being alone and face those deep feels of being unlovable that I was so afraid and ashamed of so would go back to her because I knew it would temporarily relieve those feelings. There is a lot more that has gone on but I've gained a lot of clarity and ability to look inside and really see myself and my behavior and what drives it. It now seems to be starting to touch on my deep fear of rejection this is the deepest fear I've ever been able to identify but who knows if there are more.
On the other side I have had less of a desire for porn and bad food and drinking. The desire to be in good shape is starting to change from a need for external validation to a need to be healthy to enjoy my life there's still some need for external validation there but it seems to be reducing a bit.
A part of me wishes I had waited for EPRHA but another part just wants to do more of OGSF.
The only person in life that can ever hold you back is yourself. So get out of your own way and start living the life you always dreamed of
