05-09-2023, 03:46 PM
(cont),
I'm experiencing a pretty profound paradigm shift. I'm realizing that I've interacted with other people in a certain way to avoid actually interacting with people.
There's surface-level discussion, and then there's deeper-level discussion.
I've avoided the latter, probably out of shame and fear. I've largely addressed the inner fears and have shame left to attack.
Can only talk for myself, but when I recall the talking point: "Men stick to logic, details, plans, while women share their feelings, etc. etc." I think to how much heat I would get growing up for erring outside of "the facts".
I'm not able to fully formulate it right now, but I think of it like this: when I was in high school, I'd hear gossip in locker rooms about some guy doing XYZ, and having it seen negatively. I would learn from osmosis that you just don't do that, unless you get clowned on. Rinse and repeat enough times, then you're stuck in a box.
Or, my own parents just didn't talk deeply about topics, philosophy, ethics, religion; it was literally all business details about my school, my future, or criticism for where I was lacking. I would retreat to video games or my computer. Any expressions of what I wanted to do or achieve was talked away and turned into a monologue about how it couldn't be done. If I was social, I'd be told that I was out "all the time". I'd have that "I'm in trouble" feeling very often; it was an inner prison.
If I called out a dynamic, it would get denied. Especially my mother. To be clear, they've calmed down a lot in their later years; it's now this unspoken thing from my side. It's almost useless to bring it up since they don't do it anymore or harbor any bad feeling about it.
I'm experiencing a pretty profound paradigm shift. I'm realizing that I've interacted with other people in a certain way to avoid actually interacting with people.
There's surface-level discussion, and then there's deeper-level discussion.
I've avoided the latter, probably out of shame and fear. I've largely addressed the inner fears and have shame left to attack.
Can only talk for myself, but when I recall the talking point: "Men stick to logic, details, plans, while women share their feelings, etc. etc." I think to how much heat I would get growing up for erring outside of "the facts".
I'm not able to fully formulate it right now, but I think of it like this: when I was in high school, I'd hear gossip in locker rooms about some guy doing XYZ, and having it seen negatively. I would learn from osmosis that you just don't do that, unless you get clowned on. Rinse and repeat enough times, then you're stuck in a box.
Or, my own parents just didn't talk deeply about topics, philosophy, ethics, religion; it was literally all business details about my school, my future, or criticism for where I was lacking. I would retreat to video games or my computer. Any expressions of what I wanted to do or achieve was talked away and turned into a monologue about how it couldn't be done. If I was social, I'd be told that I was out "all the time". I'd have that "I'm in trouble" feeling very often; it was an inner prison.
If I called out a dynamic, it would get denied. Especially my mother. To be clear, they've calmed down a lot in their later years; it's now this unspoken thing from my side. It's almost useless to bring it up since they don't do it anymore or harbor any bad feeling about it.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
