04-10-2023, 04:53 PM
April 10, 2023
2nd listening day
I've been given that advice before Nomad. Thank you for pointing it out again. I'm slowly acclimating to what's really in me, and not the sanitized, shiny picture I've hid behind. Rest days bring my stuff out, and I was glaring with anger. I'm grateful I had time to sit with it some.
I'm here tonight since I had a valuable experience last night, courtesy of E5.
My last rest period was rough. My first day wasn't too turbulent, but day 2 and 3 churned me up, and my last post showed it. And what came up was a set-in-stone unhappiness I've carried like a family heirloom. It worked for noone growing up, but I'm seeing now that familiar stuff can be very, very uncomfortable. But it's only used and re-used since it's familiar. i know what to expect, and it gives me a sense of control over my life. Results aren't good--but fear of imagined possibilities keep me holding onto what is familiar.
And what was familiar these last 2 days was me running away. I contacted a subliminal user with another vendor I've been with in years past, and I shared I was struggling. (Looking back, I never shared I was on my rest days and the sub was activating). I had plans to jump to the other vendor's subs this morning.
And then my bitcoin miner emailed me last night in the early evening. He simply wanted to know how I was doing on E5. I opened up to him like I'd done with the other subliminal user. But something had changed in me, in my thinking. I'd begun an angry (scared) reply sharing what I'd been feeling, and what I'd been thinking. And while writing, thoughts of mine popped up loudly. I didn't want to quit on ME. And I only discovered this while writing. I was putting my heart and soul into being emotionally honest with him, and I heard me talking to myself.
I didn't want to quit....on myself. I've done it countless times, smearing over the hurt, pain, and confusion it brings up. i didn't want to live this out once again, and I told him I was going to put on E5 loops. I sent the email, and began loops. And more was still to come.
I was up almost the full 4 hours (I play 3 loops). Fears must have been active because I didn't sleep well. But something did clearly show up: liking and loving myself. i felt myself liking myself even while my mind was seeking "familiar" ways once again. I also realized why i got unusual attention from women while I was on E2. E2 had those very same goals, and me liking myself must have showed clearly. It's desirable to be around anyone who truly likes themself, and i had that experience repeatedly while using E2. And today i felt attractive around a femaie cashier. Nothing sensual or sexual. It was just awesome feeling attractive and attracted to her without mindgames going on in me.
I'm grateful Shannon gives so much attention to not running away from the issues we need to face. I'm also still wowwed by my own actions. I stood up for myself. I was in my own corner. I didn't expect it, and i'm definitely not complaining.
2nd listening day
I've been given that advice before Nomad. Thank you for pointing it out again. I'm slowly acclimating to what's really in me, and not the sanitized, shiny picture I've hid behind. Rest days bring my stuff out, and I was glaring with anger. I'm grateful I had time to sit with it some.
I'm here tonight since I had a valuable experience last night, courtesy of E5.
My last rest period was rough. My first day wasn't too turbulent, but day 2 and 3 churned me up, and my last post showed it. And what came up was a set-in-stone unhappiness I've carried like a family heirloom. It worked for noone growing up, but I'm seeing now that familiar stuff can be very, very uncomfortable. But it's only used and re-used since it's familiar. i know what to expect, and it gives me a sense of control over my life. Results aren't good--but fear of imagined possibilities keep me holding onto what is familiar.
And what was familiar these last 2 days was me running away. I contacted a subliminal user with another vendor I've been with in years past, and I shared I was struggling. (Looking back, I never shared I was on my rest days and the sub was activating). I had plans to jump to the other vendor's subs this morning.
And then my bitcoin miner emailed me last night in the early evening. He simply wanted to know how I was doing on E5. I opened up to him like I'd done with the other subliminal user. But something had changed in me, in my thinking. I'd begun an angry (scared) reply sharing what I'd been feeling, and what I'd been thinking. And while writing, thoughts of mine popped up loudly. I didn't want to quit on ME. And I only discovered this while writing. I was putting my heart and soul into being emotionally honest with him, and I heard me talking to myself.
I didn't want to quit....on myself. I've done it countless times, smearing over the hurt, pain, and confusion it brings up. i didn't want to live this out once again, and I told him I was going to put on E5 loops. I sent the email, and began loops. And more was still to come.
I was up almost the full 4 hours (I play 3 loops). Fears must have been active because I didn't sleep well. But something did clearly show up: liking and loving myself. i felt myself liking myself even while my mind was seeking "familiar" ways once again. I also realized why i got unusual attention from women while I was on E2. E2 had those very same goals, and me liking myself must have showed clearly. It's desirable to be around anyone who truly likes themself, and i had that experience repeatedly while using E2. And today i felt attractive around a femaie cashier. Nothing sensual or sexual. It was just awesome feeling attractive and attracted to her without mindgames going on in me.
I'm grateful Shannon gives so much attention to not running away from the issues we need to face. I'm also still wowwed by my own actions. I stood up for myself. I was in my own corner. I didn't expect it, and i'm definitely not complaining.
I want to be FREE!
