03-03-2023, 06:43 PM
I just lived quite the experience of internal resistance, as I stated on another thread I'm a repellent for human beings and also the avoidant type of person who prefers to hide from the world for whatever reason I can't yet comprehend, possibly fear or something else, I mean I don't feel hatred out of nowhere there should be a reason behind, maybe too complex for me to even start to understand, then I have my lack or self worth and more which says "i shouldn't had born" without second thoughts or that's what I thought in my birthday, now that's shit, I'm willing to live in misery because that's how I always felt about my life, something worthless and just like that everything else seems worthless to me, then fear prevents me from killing myself and never try again, a truly sad life befitting myself but more than anything "empty", the fact I can write this but hesitate to say I have a happy life makes it obvious, the worst is that I already accept it as normal so I'm not even trying, I can't even pity myself because is normal for me and feel as if I deserve it, so it could be said my life was invalidated before I knew it yet I refuse to live that way but lack the drive to overcome my self limiting shitty self, yet I just accept it as if i can't do anything about it.
I'm not feeling sad or mad writting about this because is normal for me and yet I hate it, my life with everything else and myself, even stuff like astral cards or whatever confirms how fucked up I am, doesn't surprise me but anyway.
The experience I had was that I run into the girl who picked my interest but walk away just as I do with anybody else, then my chest was hurting, I was feeling tired and my stomach was also having a hard time, pretty intense if I say so so that led me to thinking about the above more than usual, no one can help me with this except me, need to overcome my own hell even if it is impossible.
I'm not feeling sad or mad writting about this because is normal for me and yet I hate it, my life with everything else and myself, even stuff like astral cards or whatever confirms how fucked up I am, doesn't surprise me but anyway.
The experience I had was that I run into the girl who picked my interest but walk away just as I do with anybody else, then my chest was hurting, I was feeling tired and my stomach was also having a hard time, pretty intense if I say so so that led me to thinking about the above more than usual, no one can help me with this except me, need to overcome my own hell even if it is impossible.
