Transcendental Sith lord's OFv4 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

So most definitely after learning all that in the past post I have changed for the better. I don't even really feel much fear anymore and I noticed I live a lot more in the moment without worrying too much.

Something did happen at work last night for the first time which kind of proved shit had changed for me as normally I would have let such a thing slide. I won't go into much detail but just enough to give some idea. So coworkers for the company can hail rides for the vehicles we test. There is this specific guy that I've been picking up when he calls for hails quite regularly to drop him off at one of the depots for a shift I believe. I've probably been doing so regularly at least once a week for 2 to 3 months. Everything was good, etc then all of a sudden I get a call after I drop him off last night at the same place from the support line saying there was an issue but don't worry no points will be deducted (points that go towards your pay increase that happens every 6 months) though it will be noted on your record. It was an issue I wasn't not even made aware of. So this guy literally, sat there the entire time could have said something or made me aware as a heads up so I could change the issue myself. Instead he automatically went for the option that threatened my pay raise and lively hood. I felt more anger and not fear. I literally chatted one of my bosses and told them I will never drive this person again. If I need to be moved to another department fine, or if I will need to quit also fine. I will never be in a car with that person again and I will never interact with them again unless completely necessary.

I don't play around with people like that who are willing to threaten your pay and job instead of simply making you aware of something themselves especially when its not like I'm some idiot who's shown he can't follow rules or orders when he is made aware of them. Also, I'm pretty sure when people have the option of being told by a coworker so they can correct the problem or having a third party being told so it threatens your pay raise, I'm pretty sure most people would go with option 1. So, yeah if I have to I might be losing my job then completely moving to Texas until my degree is done or move to another department because I am not going to be around someone like that. Its funny like maybe 2 to 3 years ago I would have been upset but not actually do anything. Hell, even a year ago I would have probably still be upset and bitch but not actually mention it to someone. Now however I don't take that kind of crap. As soon as someone shows me through their actions who they are I drop them and want nothing to do with them. Its goes with the whole saying of "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I notice way too often , especially with someone a person might know for a while, that people will start making up excuses for people when they start acting shitty, or hoping that they will "change back" to how they were before. I don't waste my time on that nonsense anymore.

I think what really changed this is like days before this there was a huge release of fear out of me. Basically I realized I didn't lose anything. I think I had a lot of fear around losing and I felt like all these people who had back stabbed me among other things had taken something from me. I realized they hadn't taken crap from me. I just felt like they had taken stuff from me and therefore kept on giving them time in my head long after the fact. Now, they have nothing to do with my current life and I see it as a win if I get a piece of shit toxic person out of my life. I lose nothing by getting them out of my life. I think the bad programming in my head was that whole "look for the best in people" blah blah blah nonsense. I think part of me wanted to make excuses for those people to a degree or "believe" they would change. Sorry, you make decisions regarding people based on how they are "acting" in the present not on how they "could be" or your "personal idea" of what they are really like. As soon as someone tries to fuck me over or treat me wrongly through their actions they are gone. Its not my job to help them become a better person or see what they "could be". That "could be" version of them could never materialize because its their "choice" to be a better person or not. I don't feel empathy (1) people who don't deserve it, and most importantly (2) don't feel empathy themselves before they take actions against you. My standards are much more higher for people who are in my life right now and if you don't meet them I'm not making exceptions anymore.

I'm actually very proud of the progress I have made so far. These are completely different reactions and beliefs than the old me would have had.