09-12-2022, 12:45 PM
(09-11-2022, 09:23 PM)Shannon Wrote: Rather deep and insightful, and rather an extraordinary bit of self realization I think. You say OFv4 is fast tracking the process, but it is only moving at the pace you will do best with.
I see. I forgot that it adjusts to the pace the user can handle. Thank you for the reminder.
Now that you mention it, it is a rather deep realization and it's been something that has taken years to get to this point. Maybe the realization seemed quick, casual and somewhat fleeting but I wonder how long that reality was "waiting in the wings".
This realization brings forth another set of questions.
1. Am I actually perceiving this correctly?
The unseen and somewhat intangible are always vague and without definite substance and putting it into words, an act of definitiveness and parsing out (especially in the English language) in an attempt to concretely define something to others seems like a task that is always doomed to be inadequate. Looking back at my post last night it seems a little jumbled as I was trying to describe what I was feeling but I'm not sure that I am even perceiving this correctly so I could be on to something as far as my internal state is concerned or I am not. If not then not only is my explanation wrong but so is the whole premise; a double deviation. That could derail me for years if I confidently believe my perception to be correct and take action from that place. If you travel towards a destination and are off by one degree, then the error becomes worse the farther you go. While I felt confident in what I felt and my rudimentary explanation I must take time to consider the truth of it all.
2. If I am correct then how many people have built their life around fear?
This will take observation and time to arrive at any conclusion, but the implications are staggering. How many people are in a generally unconscious state of fear that isn't even really them as a person?
3. Who really is any person then?
Fear is rooted in every person to some degree. If I was willing and able to build a lot of my personality around fear then who else is like that and who are they really? Who is any one person? What are they really like? If fear can be so all-encompassing then what does it look like to remove it? What do we look like if we remove it?
4. Will OF4 be able to remove it completely or will it creep back in after I am done with it?
This could be my biggest concern. If I live in a state of progressing fearlessness while on OF4 but it doesn't fully stick then what? I can do nothing about it so I'll just watch but it is a concern and ironically possibly a fear of mine at present.
These are just what comes to mind but the irony is that these all could possibly be fear-based questions. Having such a large part of your existence be unmasked as fear really brings a lot of things into question. Most likely I'll have my answers about myself with time so patience will be key but for now, this realization brought more questions than answers.
In other news, I had light sleep last night, as it was my first night on again. This pattern seems pretty established at this point. The first day back on is a slightly turbulent day on OF and today is no exception.
I am deriving less and less enjoyment from the habits and ways I seek pleasure. This has been going on before OF and it could be a brain issue or it could be that I truly have lost the sense of enjoyment from them due to the increase of fear hijacking everything and turning it into avoidance and coping. It feels like the latter to me but who knows. The part of me that avoids the present and retreats further into the mind also seems like the part that tries to resist subs but that's more of a theory than anything concrete to me.
OF is still working but some deep fears are getting worked on. It's hard but stopping won't fix anything so on we go.
