09-11-2022, 09:11 PM
Days off were decent. Some light introspection revealed something to me. How encompassing the state of fear is, at least in my case. I gave it so much ground and let it take so much. Externally people are surprised when I talk about how much fear has encroached on my life so it must not be very visible externally, but I know it's there and how much ground it has in me.
In my case, fear became a state of being or something similar to one. It was something that was built upon layer by layer, year after year until it became such an entity or false state of being that it consumed much of my resources and fatigued me greatly, and still does. However, I finally am starting to see it for what it is and how it evolved into its current state. The state of fear produced fear and unwillingness to look directly at it for what it is and take responsibility for it. This unwillingness allowed it to grow and morph like a cancer in the darkness created by my unwillingness to allow whatever the present moment and/or pure consciousness is to shine a light on it and therefore destroy it. The fear created a fear of the present moment because that is where the pain was.
That fear of the pain in the present moment created a place for the same fear to grow and spread into all aspects of my life, assuming a false identity and running my life. This false identity created itself out of the past and future so as to feel like it legitimately exists but in reality isn't me at all. I'm not it and it's not me. This fear state hijacks the mind and causes so much damage to self and others out of fear that I don't think it's possible to tell of all the damage it has created over the course of human history. There is a brilliant but boring book called the master and his emissary that does a good job of it and the power of now brings an element of it as well.
Coming to grips with the fact that most of what I call my personality is built on a false foundation of fear that ultimately is not capable of maintaining itself, was an interesting realization. It didn't produce shame but a curiosity to explore who and what I really am.
While realizing this to be true, the power of the habit of this false self is going to take some unlearning before it finally leaves being the predominant state of being in my life. It won't happen overnight but that's ok because it's worth it to take the time to fully remove this from my life. There most likely is some Hell and dark nights of the soul to go through because of OF4 fast-tracking this process but I'll accept that price because I'm not sure I could go back to that unconscious fear-dominant state of being anymore. I believed that I have reached the limit of how much I could build that out and continue trying to live a normal life. The faulty foundation can take no more.
So I guess it's going to take a bunch of effort and a willingness to embrace the present to the full for me to undo this but the alternative is too bitter to continue tolerating. Either I put in the effort to be as conscious as I can be in evergrowing ability of the present moment or I become a pitiful and broken man running from himself.
Rocks seem to like hard places but ignoring this isn't possible anymore.
In my case, fear became a state of being or something similar to one. It was something that was built upon layer by layer, year after year until it became such an entity or false state of being that it consumed much of my resources and fatigued me greatly, and still does. However, I finally am starting to see it for what it is and how it evolved into its current state. The state of fear produced fear and unwillingness to look directly at it for what it is and take responsibility for it. This unwillingness allowed it to grow and morph like a cancer in the darkness created by my unwillingness to allow whatever the present moment and/or pure consciousness is to shine a light on it and therefore destroy it. The fear created a fear of the present moment because that is where the pain was.
That fear of the pain in the present moment created a place for the same fear to grow and spread into all aspects of my life, assuming a false identity and running my life. This false identity created itself out of the past and future so as to feel like it legitimately exists but in reality isn't me at all. I'm not it and it's not me. This fear state hijacks the mind and causes so much damage to self and others out of fear that I don't think it's possible to tell of all the damage it has created over the course of human history. There is a brilliant but boring book called the master and his emissary that does a good job of it and the power of now brings an element of it as well.
Coming to grips with the fact that most of what I call my personality is built on a false foundation of fear that ultimately is not capable of maintaining itself, was an interesting realization. It didn't produce shame but a curiosity to explore who and what I really am.
While realizing this to be true, the power of the habit of this false self is going to take some unlearning before it finally leaves being the predominant state of being in my life. It won't happen overnight but that's ok because it's worth it to take the time to fully remove this from my life. There most likely is some Hell and dark nights of the soul to go through because of OF4 fast-tracking this process but I'll accept that price because I'm not sure I could go back to that unconscious fear-dominant state of being anymore. I believed that I have reached the limit of how much I could build that out and continue trying to live a normal life. The faulty foundation can take no more.
So I guess it's going to take a bunch of effort and a willingness to embrace the present to the full for me to undo this but the alternative is too bitter to continue tolerating. Either I put in the effort to be as conscious as I can be in evergrowing ability of the present moment or I become a pitiful and broken man running from himself.
Rocks seem to like hard places but ignoring this isn't possible anymore.
