06-05-2022, 12:02 PM
For the record.
I have many wishes and desires as a human being, most of them were torn apart either by my parents or someone else since childhood, even then I still refuse to just give up, some part of me wants to fulfill those wishes meanwhile other part of me wants to protect me from being hurt trying again, that could be refusal, hatred, fear, or something else, even now I enjoy that hatred or refusal, I don't want to let them go, they're so important to my identity and my "self" that I don't want to let them go, at the same time I loathe them and want to get rid of them, this is the first time I will admit it, I feel as I deserve to die and at the same time I refuse to die, I want to hurt as many people as I hurt myself to keep me safe, always living to keep me safe, no wonder why anxiety was 90% of my life, this seems hopeless, useless, senseless, nothingness, and I'm tired of pretending so to hell with finding a purpose or something, let's see if I can accept and overcome my shit for now, even thinking about it makes me angry, hope I can detach from life as well haha.
I have many wishes and desires as a human being, most of them were torn apart either by my parents or someone else since childhood, even then I still refuse to just give up, some part of me wants to fulfill those wishes meanwhile other part of me wants to protect me from being hurt trying again, that could be refusal, hatred, fear, or something else, even now I enjoy that hatred or refusal, I don't want to let them go, they're so important to my identity and my "self" that I don't want to let them go, at the same time I loathe them and want to get rid of them, this is the first time I will admit it, I feel as I deserve to die and at the same time I refuse to die, I want to hurt as many people as I hurt myself to keep me safe, always living to keep me safe, no wonder why anxiety was 90% of my life, this seems hopeless, useless, senseless, nothingness, and I'm tired of pretending so to hell with finding a purpose or something, let's see if I can accept and overcome my shit for now, even thinking about it makes me angry, hope I can detach from life as well haha.
