Transcendental Sith Lord's UH / MLS Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, major changes have happened so I will try to report on what has happened. Though it will probably not be as detailed because I have trouble concentrating on details for reasons that will become self evident.

The short of it I have really changed for the better. Even have a few local dates setup for soon. On on Thursday evening and another for next week. This was despite before me having some fear regarding dating or doing anything with women locally. One might ask how did this happen? Its quite simple I acknowledged the truth of the situation regarding myself. What I mean by that is when I ran the sub again I realized quite straightforwardly that the past that I directly experienced is just one of a infinite amount of pasts I could have chosen to have, just the same regarding the present and possible futures I could choose to experience. By acknowledging that it made ti so that that past I had experienced doesn't have as much affect on my current choices anymore. Its like I expanded my view of myself and that past that I had experienced is just a small part of who I am, it is not everything that I am.

If Shannon is right, and I have no reason to doubt him at this point, that we have infinite amount of experiences that we are currently experiencing but we aren't experiencing those because we are in a physical body that can only take so much (due to potential overload of the central nervous system, etc) so we "forget" those other possibilities. Once we really believe that and acknowledge that we understand that the past that we decided to directly experience is only a insignificant "sliver" of what makes up "us". I think upon coming to that realization this both lowered my resistance to insignificant levels because the past experiences and beliefs that would cause the resistance are practically not there anymore and what is there doesn't really even matter. I can choose whether I want that past and the implied beliefs from that past to affect my present or not. I have basically made it not affect me currently or my future anymore.

That's where I have trouble remembering clearly, because part of me just finds remembering a past that is only a small part of who I am as not even important and quite frankly when i try to its like part of me blocks me from doing so and i don't have the energy to dwell on such things that are minor. Its even interesting for me to say those past things are minor now. Before it felt like those bad things that happened to me in the past were "who I am" to the point I kept on repeating the same mistakes, etc. Now that past is only a tiny insignificant fraction of who I am as a person. Its as though I had a very narrow view of myself and my identity which was only limited to things in that particular past that I experienced. Now I have "broaden" my identity that is a lot more encompassing.

I've also just learned that there are things for me to consciously know and somethings that are just meant for other parts of my subconscious. I will just trust my subconscious to deal with those things and lessons as it should. What my subconscious understands and does is far beyond my ability consciously so i should let it do its job when dealing with the subliminal. If I need to know something consciously then I will be made aware of it. So far this sub has been amazing and I feel as though everything is just working as it is intended to. Physically I do notice a kind of heat and energy imitating from the center of my chest. Also I feel as if my lungs are a lot better and clearer. Like when I breathe and exhale I feel as though I am having this sensation of breathing in and out heat and energy.

Another interesting thing that happened was while listening to the sub I had this realization of when it was healing something in my body its like I would realize that certain sensation in a certain part of my body was association with a certain feeling I would have. Whether stress, anger, annoyance, etc. They were usually associated with certain tension in certain muscle groups, etc. Honestly I haven't felt stressed, annoyed or angry at all in the past few days. I've just felt really relaxed and not bother by much of anything.

I realized that so many of the things that used to get my upset, etc don't even really matter in the grand scheme of things. Like does something on the road giving you the middle finger really mean anything in the bigger picture? More than anything it just shows how unhinged and emotionally immature the other person is. I mean in my instances I drive a certain company car and someone has to be really insecure, emotionally stunted, and just clearly not in control of themselves to flip off another person ,who is just going about their day try to make it in this world, because that person is driving the same car that some other person was driving in the past that annoyed said person. It also did bring up that person who i let get close to me but had anger issues and why i needed to break away from them. They were clearly influencing me in certain ways and starting to try to control me subtly as I started to break away from all this toxicity in my mind. Such people will get no where in the world because they see their anger and rage as an asset, not a liability. Oh it will help them somewhat but at great cost in my opinion at the end of the day. Also I realize now such anger in people has a way of "justifying" its exists. In other words if there isn't anything in the person's life at the moment that justify having such anger then the anger itself will make up reasons to justify it. Its like people who say they hate "drama" but they are the ones constantly causing it. Its literally their beliefs that cause the drama in their life and when there isn't any drama they will subconsciously cause it.

I don't know what else to say as I am at a lost right now. Not lost in a bad way either. Its just hard to describe how I am now. Its funny because I had a feeling that some day I would get to that point where I cross that line of getting rid of the majority of the beliefs that were holding me back. I just didn't know how that would look like or how that would feel. Now I am experiencing and I still don't know how to describe it correctly. It just this Zen idea of "It just is". I am what I am, I recognize that fact, and that's all there is to it. Seeing my lived past as all there is to me and my identity was a lie that I had believed for far too long. All I do is recognize the truth of who I am and that is it. I hope all of this made sense on some level to anyone who read this.

Anyway, i will keep running this and I don't know what I will run after I'm done with this. Part of me wants to run MLS again just so I can get through my degree already. I've already spent so much time on this and I'm ready to reap the rewards of moving into that industry. For far too long I've just let myself live in a very stagnant state of existence and I'm ready to just move out of this state. Being stagnant has become intolerable to me now.