Transcendental Sith Lord's DMSI 5.8G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would give Texas a reasonable chance before I left.


UH is getting some new ideas.  It will also have FRM 5.0, DRS, Detox, EHPRA and MHS among others.  Each program advances us forward towards 6G in some way.

I will consider it and might take your advice. I did find out after some searching around that unfortunately not that many schools are able to get the exception letter approval to bring someone into the country due to the cost of the border restrictions and also even if that's so foreigners already there are getting paid much more than if you enter the country. I could still go and be making more money than I was before but wouldn't be making major bank until after my 1 year contract. Also as is you have to do 14 day quarantine when you enter the country and you have to pay for it yourself (for some dumb reason they made it so that a third party can't pay on your behalf). I would still want to go but the issue is in order to be ready and pay for all those things I would need to literally stay at this job for another 3 to 4 months while insultingly getting paid less due to a dumb policy. That part I might not be able to stomach. 

As for UH I'm glad to hear that and hopefully being 5.80G combined with FRM might do something for me. If I'm speaking honestly I'm just tired at this point. There is some part of me that is just deathly afraid of succeeding in life and despite everything it just keeps on trying screw up any chance or procrastinate in order to ruined it. Taking the degree as an example if I would have just done what needed to be done as quickly as possible I would have already been in a tech job making significantly more and I wouldn't have had to experience this case of corporate nonsense. I'm just speaking out loud here as I feel I need to air out my thoughts on this. Its like that part knows that what its doing is leading to more problems and suffering by giving into the fear and living this existence of enforced stagnation but the alternative just scares it way too much. I also think based on my childhood of just being told through people's actions that I'm worthless, not worth their time, and that maybe because of their behavior towards me I'm not not worthy of living a good life it just won't let go of any of that because that is all it has ever known. 

Because of this I will run UH for a good few months and see what happens. I have no idea what else to do at this point besides that because it feels like any further success I can have is being blocked by this part I'm talking about and it just won't budge. I have tried reasoning with it, get angry with it, etc. Nothing will change it so far and it just won't let go. Hopefully this will change it, clear out these negative beliefs, and finally I can just be done with it. I'm just tired of being held back by the beliefs this part of me has.