01-01-2022, 04:31 PM
Been on a bit of a rollercoaster. Still this massive frustration that I freeze around girls, like I decided to goto checkouts instead of the self serve ones and most of the time I literally can't get anything else out other than "How's it going" even though I have talked to them so much in the past, gone to the beach like 3 or 4 times recently and each time I get incredible frustration at just freezing and literally being unable to make myself talk to any girls and then each time have gone on a porn binge after.
I mentioned last week that I played OF at the beach which avoided that response.. I had stopped OF planning to have some hypnosis to deal with something i've been unable to deal with that's sabotaging me but that may not happen now, and went to the beach yesterday and massive frustration again. There was some perfect opportunities and I just froze and felt like a fucking idiot, didn't go on a big binge, and didn't even look at porn but just used my imagination and didn't go a second time in the morning as usually happens so an improvement I guess.
I've been REALLY struggling not to use DMSI.. it's like "If I could just get some sex it would be okay" as it's been quite a while due to some issues I won't go into that pretty much destroyed me in that area.
After going to the beach yesterday and huge frustration I was so close to putting DMSI on this morning and then going back to the beach. I put it on my mp3 player.. then I stopped and thought that maybe i'm running away from OF as all this stuff has been coming up the last month or so.. but it just doesn't seem to be resolving it. It's like it constantly hits upon this same stuff, just like almost every time I explore it deeper it goes back to my abandonment, that's constantly been coming up for so long and not really being resolved.
So listening to OF v3 ocean surf right now. Feel slightly calmer but still just want to put DMSI on.
The other concern is that say DMSI works, that's all well and good.. but then I stop it and go back to struggling with women again, having these issues and not being in a place I can get them without it, I remember on 3.2 I got depressed after stopping it how differently people responded to me while not on it.
Also feeling very antisocial lately, in groups been more quiet, though still fairly comfortable.. and been frustrated at that. Mood has been "I just want to give up" and when I went to bed last night there was a very strong feeling of that going on.
I mentioned last week that I played OF at the beach which avoided that response.. I had stopped OF planning to have some hypnosis to deal with something i've been unable to deal with that's sabotaging me but that may not happen now, and went to the beach yesterday and massive frustration again. There was some perfect opportunities and I just froze and felt like a fucking idiot, didn't go on a big binge, and didn't even look at porn but just used my imagination and didn't go a second time in the morning as usually happens so an improvement I guess.
I've been REALLY struggling not to use DMSI.. it's like "If I could just get some sex it would be okay" as it's been quite a while due to some issues I won't go into that pretty much destroyed me in that area.
After going to the beach yesterday and huge frustration I was so close to putting DMSI on this morning and then going back to the beach. I put it on my mp3 player.. then I stopped and thought that maybe i'm running away from OF as all this stuff has been coming up the last month or so.. but it just doesn't seem to be resolving it. It's like it constantly hits upon this same stuff, just like almost every time I explore it deeper it goes back to my abandonment, that's constantly been coming up for so long and not really being resolved.
So listening to OF v3 ocean surf right now. Feel slightly calmer but still just want to put DMSI on.
The other concern is that say DMSI works, that's all well and good.. but then I stop it and go back to struggling with women again, having these issues and not being in a place I can get them without it, I remember on 3.2 I got depressed after stopping it how differently people responded to me while not on it.
Also feeling very antisocial lately, in groups been more quiet, though still fairly comfortable.. and been frustrated at that. Mood has been "I just want to give up" and when I went to bed last night there was a very strong feeling of that going on.
