Journal | Laser Focus & Concentration (5.75g - Type A/B/C/D Hybrid)

[Reznik]

Off Cycle 1

Days 1 and 2

Day one and day two of the off cycle I was so tired. A zombie. I didn't feel like doing anything that required any mental effort. Tried to nap and sleep longer but could never manage falling asleep. Had a call with [brother] one day. He told me I sounded tired. I told him I felt like in the last 72 hours I had 6 hours total of sleep. Even at bedtime I had a super difficult time falling asleep. And when I finally did fall asleep it wasn't very deep, or for very long, 5 -6 hours max. During the days, I watched some films, even boring documentaries on youtube to see if I could fall asleep, but nope. My mind just wouldn't shut down. As compared to falling asleep before I started the program, sure at bedtime my mind would wander with a lot of thoughts, but finally I would sleep. Now it's like the wondering thoughts were energized. And even though they weren't necessary, I knew they weren't necessary, there were there. Only now feeling like with an undeniable intensity and purpose. I couldn't shut them off.

Day 3

Still pretty exhausted. Finally was able to take a small nap. I missed the feeling of going unconscious. Almost forgot what it was like to be fully blacked-out asleep. I could feel the focus affects of the program wearing off, but I wasn't ready to listen again. I wanted to really sleep, and I was afraid if I listened, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Felt slightly more rested than the previous two days though. Still no desire for anything that required mental effort. With the program wearing off, I returned to old patterns. Spent more time looking at stupid stuff on youtube. Becoming fixated on and spending way too much time "researching" trivial things. I had coursework to do, but no desire to do it; just like before I started the program. My new found motivation for the new plans and goals I had made during the first "on" cycle, evaporated. Like so many things before them in my life. Didn't care. Well not true. Got frustrated and felt guilty like before but knew nothing would come of it except feelings of guilt and regret. Saw some memes on ADHD that summed up my experiences perfectly;

Meme 1:

ADHD In The Media: Look a shiny! Sorry, I'm so random! LOL

ADHD In Reality: So imagine you could fix your entire life by doing something that is super easy and will take no time at all. Only you're not doing it and you have no idea why, but no matter how hard you try you aren't doing it.

Meme 2:

All of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence  to routine that I have never displayed even once in my life.

Day 4

Finally had a decent night sleep. Less tired today. To be honest on the one hand I almost dreaded starting the program again if it meant being so tired. But on the other hand I feared the slide back into how life was before. During the first cycle I felt a control of my life that I had never experienced, ever. Goals and plans that I now had a strong interest in seeing fulfilled and completed. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment and pride in completing things. No more jumping around from project to project like a junkie feeding off the rush adrenaline and other chemicals that come from starting something new and when they fade, abandon that project, and start looking for the next "fix". What I felt from the first cycle of the program was stable, real, potentially long lasting. This is what I want, what I've always wanted. By the evening of the fourth day off, I was completely back to where I was before I started the program. I knew this had to be the last day of the off cycle.

So what did I learn during this first off cycle? Next off cycle will last only 2-3 days no matter what. Being able to experience the contrast of how my life was before, compared to what happened during the first on cycle I know I can't go back to how it was before. I've been to the other side now.  Tomorrow I'll start the second cycle.