I ended up doing 7 nights of 3 loops, then had the urge for nights off. 2 nights ago was my 3rd night off, the last few nights have been dreams centered around bullying.. I can't remember the specifics though but the theme stood out. And quite a bit of anxiety coming up.
Last night had the urge to go back to 6 loops.
Today I had to go down the street to do something that on the surface is simple, but current bullshit adds potential drama and annoyance, plus all the fear being thrown at us from every direction.
I decided earlier that i'd just go instead of putting it off. I had to goto the toilet first, that's one of my old fear 'symptoms' I remember years ago before going to clubs I used to keep feeling like i'd need to goto the toilet but be constipated.. it doesn't happen as much now.
I had that, but also I was feeling really anxious, shaking and chills which sometimes goes along with fear. I also noticed that I was thinking of all kinds of crazy situations that could happen just going to do this simple thing which I know creates fear and most of those things never actually happen when it comes to it.. but this imagining creates more fear and anxiety around it. I'm conscious of that but it doesn't necessarily stop it.
I worked myself up and I realized in that state I might actually bring on what I was fearing, combined with reacting too aggressively if it did happen. So I decided i'd go and put 1 loop of ocean surf on and watch Dave Chappelle, and felt alot calmer after. I was considering half just staying home, but I realized I wouldn't feel good in myself if I let this fear stop me and I went.
When I parked my car the anxiety come up again but I ended up going in and...
Everything was completely fine. No issues.
And a distinction between LTU 6 and OF V3 that I don't know how to explain it past how it presents for me. On LTU 6 I noticed that most of the time when i'd go somewhere i'd feel quite calm, but then i'd talk and hear anxiety and shakiness in my voice and find it difficult to interact. Not all the time, but obviously at the times there was some anxiety going on, but I wasn't consciously aware of it other than hearing it in my voice.
On OF V3, not all the time but today for example I feel alot of the anxiety but i'm more able to still act, and my voice seems relatively okay and I still briefly chatted to staff. Where on LTU 6 i'd also feel unable to do that, i'd 'feel' calm but not want to talk to them and it would be hard to get my voice out and when I did it was shaky.
Seems to me that whatever was coming up today was defiantely digging into something, likely around being bullied due to the pattern of dreams.. and my response that I was imagining of being overly aggressive was back at school my eventual response to bullying people, and still sometimes my pattern of response.. though now it happens much quicker in certain situations.
Last night had the urge to go back to 6 loops.
Today I had to go down the street to do something that on the surface is simple, but current bullshit adds potential drama and annoyance, plus all the fear being thrown at us from every direction.
I decided earlier that i'd just go instead of putting it off. I had to goto the toilet first, that's one of my old fear 'symptoms' I remember years ago before going to clubs I used to keep feeling like i'd need to goto the toilet but be constipated.. it doesn't happen as much now.
I had that, but also I was feeling really anxious, shaking and chills which sometimes goes along with fear. I also noticed that I was thinking of all kinds of crazy situations that could happen just going to do this simple thing which I know creates fear and most of those things never actually happen when it comes to it.. but this imagining creates more fear and anxiety around it. I'm conscious of that but it doesn't necessarily stop it.
I worked myself up and I realized in that state I might actually bring on what I was fearing, combined with reacting too aggressively if it did happen. So I decided i'd go and put 1 loop of ocean surf on and watch Dave Chappelle, and felt alot calmer after. I was considering half just staying home, but I realized I wouldn't feel good in myself if I let this fear stop me and I went.
When I parked my car the anxiety come up again but I ended up going in and...
Everything was completely fine. No issues.
And a distinction between LTU 6 and OF V3 that I don't know how to explain it past how it presents for me. On LTU 6 I noticed that most of the time when i'd go somewhere i'd feel quite calm, but then i'd talk and hear anxiety and shakiness in my voice and find it difficult to interact. Not all the time, but obviously at the times there was some anxiety going on, but I wasn't consciously aware of it other than hearing it in my voice.
On OF V3, not all the time but today for example I feel alot of the anxiety but i'm more able to still act, and my voice seems relatively okay and I still briefly chatted to staff. Where on LTU 6 i'd also feel unable to do that, i'd 'feel' calm but not want to talk to them and it would be hard to get my voice out and when I did it was shaky.
Seems to me that whatever was coming up today was defiantely digging into something, likely around being bullied due to the pattern of dreams.. and my response that I was imagining of being overly aggressive was back at school my eventual response to bullying people, and still sometimes my pattern of response.. though now it happens much quicker in certain situations.
