09-06-2021, 02:38 PM
Day 48, I’ve noticed significant improvements in my social anxiety over time. Actually I didn’t realize at first I just started having better results interacting with people. Two regular examples I’ve seen are when I used to feel very awkward interacting with people when being served food at a restaurant or standing in a check out line at the grocery store. I feel much more relaxed and playful now, while taking myself much less seriously. I used to be really stuck in my head afraid of what to do or say like I was going to be judged or defined by it. I’ve been eating breakfast at a local place once per weekend lately. I sit at the breakfast bar where you are in close proximity to the staff the whole time and they are usually open for conversation. They are usually semi-attractive females close to my age. I’ve been having very flirty conversations as of lately without feeling nervous. Not super pushy flirting but kind of like what Greek was describing earlier in my journal about you just feeling each other's sexual presence and it’s fun. I’m not sure if women are attracted to me lately or this is just how people normally interact lol. Normally these scenarios wouldn't happen for me unless I was drinking and in an atmosphere where I thought this was acceptable behavior. On Saturday one of the female servers told me to have a great day in a really flirty way then walked to the other side of the restaurant. Then as I was walking to leave only about 30 seconds later she made sure to get my attention again to say have a great day again knowing she did it twice. Then as I was walking to my car I caught her still watching me. This is just one of many examples where I’ve started to notice my social value and level of interest change.
Another that I didn’t handle as well is when I was eating lunch at a local seafood bar. Two guys were walking up to the bar to order food and drinks and the only two open seats were next to where I just sat down. One of them said wassup dude like he wanted to talk to me but I looked at him and was like I don’t know this guy and he looks like the dudes that I have always wanted to stay as far away from me as possible. They reminded me of the crowd that I was the farthest thing from being a part of in highschool and it made me really uncomfortable. I didn’t talk to them much and actually wanted to get out of there but it seems like there was some level of respect between us that I wasn’t used to. Obviously still stuff to work on.
Another note is that I have gotten off of the original usage schedule for this sub. I tend to be using as I see fit. Which is more often than the instructions and sometimes for more than one loop as well. I seem to be basing my usage on my energy level, fear level and my schedule. So far I really like this sub, it is subtle at times and a part of me would rather be running something like ASC or DMSI but good things are happening so marching on.
Finally, the girl I mentioned spending the night with about a week ago, I told I was going to start talking to other people and that I don’t like being manipulated. To many unanswered texts and broken promises. Things just were never adding up, she seemed somewhat sad but still kind of indifferent. The sex was decent but I honestly need someone in my life that is going to help me build the future that I want. This girl is a train wreck outside of being cute and decent in bed. I’m not talking to anyone in particular yet but feel like I made a solid choice for me and the future remains optimistic. I’m currently open minded to what relationship and financial opportunities may develop over the next 4.5 months of this run.
Actually, I keep thinking of more stuff to add to this post. I’ve been taking amazing selfies lately without any effort and just putting them on Facebook for fun. Well depending on what your definition of amazing is but I used to take terrible pictures and all the ones I’ve taken of myself and the ones others have also taken seem to be coming out really well. Plus, when I see pictures of myself I find myself saying I love that guy. I’ve had an Ex on my Facebook that I dated for 5 years and she even started talking to me again. I think it was pretty innocent but she seemed friendly and it was unexpected at a time that I really needed to talk to someone. I’m not sure if it was my new pictures or just my general evolution / lack of fear being pushed out into the world right now.
Another that I didn’t handle as well is when I was eating lunch at a local seafood bar. Two guys were walking up to the bar to order food and drinks and the only two open seats were next to where I just sat down. One of them said wassup dude like he wanted to talk to me but I looked at him and was like I don’t know this guy and he looks like the dudes that I have always wanted to stay as far away from me as possible. They reminded me of the crowd that I was the farthest thing from being a part of in highschool and it made me really uncomfortable. I didn’t talk to them much and actually wanted to get out of there but it seems like there was some level of respect between us that I wasn’t used to. Obviously still stuff to work on.
Another note is that I have gotten off of the original usage schedule for this sub. I tend to be using as I see fit. Which is more often than the instructions and sometimes for more than one loop as well. I seem to be basing my usage on my energy level, fear level and my schedule. So far I really like this sub, it is subtle at times and a part of me would rather be running something like ASC or DMSI but good things are happening so marching on.
Finally, the girl I mentioned spending the night with about a week ago, I told I was going to start talking to other people and that I don’t like being manipulated. To many unanswered texts and broken promises. Things just were never adding up, she seemed somewhat sad but still kind of indifferent. The sex was decent but I honestly need someone in my life that is going to help me build the future that I want. This girl is a train wreck outside of being cute and decent in bed. I’m not talking to anyone in particular yet but feel like I made a solid choice for me and the future remains optimistic. I’m currently open minded to what relationship and financial opportunities may develop over the next 4.5 months of this run.
Actually, I keep thinking of more stuff to add to this post. I’ve been taking amazing selfies lately without any effort and just putting them on Facebook for fun. Well depending on what your definition of amazing is but I used to take terrible pictures and all the ones I’ve taken of myself and the ones others have also taken seem to be coming out really well. Plus, when I see pictures of myself I find myself saying I love that guy. I’ve had an Ex on my Facebook that I dated for 5 years and she even started talking to me again. I think it was pretty innocent but she seemed friendly and it was unexpected at a time that I really needed to talk to someone. I’m not sure if it was my new pictures or just my general evolution / lack of fear being pushed out into the world right now.
Sub history approximate total usage in months: ASC 5G -2.5 / EPRHA 5G - 3 / LTU 5G – 9 / AM 5G – 13 / E2 5.5G – 15 / DMSI 5.5G – 4 / LTU 5.5G – 11 / UMS 5.75G – 3 / OF V2 5.75G - 1.5 / E4 5.75G - 9.25 / OF V3 5.75G - Current
