08-16-2021, 12:56 PM
(08-14-2021, 01:43 AM)Benjamin Wrote: This morning before going out I was thinking about this girl that was coming along today who i've only met once. And I was going to put some condoms in my wallet.. which made me realize that the times i've done that in recent times it basically shuts me down and makes me feel more anxious around attractive girls, whereas if they aren't there it's like the pressure is off and i'm more relaxed. Definately fear related.
I decided I was going to confront that and thought 'well if (different things I fear) happens so be it'. But I forgot until I was driving, oh well.
Talked to her a bit, but something just felt off. When they were leaving my mate was like 'anyone wanna keep hanging out' and I was up for it, and he asked her, though her mum was there too which is fine she could have come too.. and they said they were shopping but when we said we could come along not much of a response. So looks like this one won't go anywhere.
Went for a walk with my friend, and there was a family sitting there on the grass, the daughter (I assume) were sitting in the back of a ute and one was staring and smiling and I said "how's it going?' then when we walked back past there 2 of them were sitting in there both staring at us. I had a feeling of 'ok this isn't usually what happens to me'.. but I hope that this increases in general.
Went to the supermarket and I noticed I was feeling pretty good and had a bit of a subtle swagger in my walk which happens sometimes, hopefully starts to happen more as I listen to OF more.. and I had a realization that I told my friend.
Especially in recent times with all the bs going on, it seems almost everyone walking around is more timid.. and this become even more obvious today when I was feeling strong in myself.. and since starting OF some of the blinders have come off as I had started to just go down the street and basically ignore everyone else.. and now less of that and observing them, i'm seeing some funny reactions from some of them when i'm feeling comfortable.. it's almost as if this is unusual to them right now and they think everyone needs to be walking around scared.. which isn't benefitting anyone.
I also decided to not goto self serve checkouts and make a point to get served by the staff even if I have to wait a bit.. as i've become more antisocial in the last year or so and talked to staff less. My other friend inspired me to do this when we went to the supermarket last. The girl that served me I mainly asked how the day is going, but felt a little uncomfortable with much else for some reason. But it's better than just reflexively going through the self serve.
Noticed giving a bit less of a fuck what people thought of me when walking around too.
Again tonight I don't feel like listening, but i've decided it's likely resistance as i've already had 3 nights off so I will listen tonight when I goto bed.
I'm in a bit of a mood where i'm watching Dazed and Confused (from the early 90s, never seen it before) and thinking "man there seemed to be way less bs going on back then" and wishing I could go back in time.
I noticed that too, I notice people's fears/ insecurities more now, & when I was sitting on the bus last week coming back from a party, the guy in front of me started acting like he's uncomftorable by my self esteem.
It was very noticeable & I didn't like the feeling it gave me to see him react to me in that way. I wish people were less threathened.
