Was good to get out of the house and go for a walk yesterday, I was sitting down at the river and a girl rang me from our social group who I haven't seen for ages.. and was going to come down as I had asked the group yesterday but nobody really answered. Then said a few of them were going somewhere else.
So went there, a few other women who were friends with them. A little uncomfortable in some ways, but mostly pretty relaxed. I noticed a subtle difference in that I was a little more touchy again like I used to be with women which I kind of stopped doing. Due to a few things that I won't go into, i've more developed the ability to just socialize and enjoy it, even just socialize with women without trying to go for anything. But the fear and blockages around actually 'going for it' has increased quite a bit.
Last night had this weird dream, I was upstairs in the house I grew up in where my computer was. And there was a woman cleaning the room or something and she disconnected and moved my computer and I couldn't find it, there was just a monitor sitting there on the carpet. I started going mental and screaming and threw the monitor down the stairs.
I woke up realizing how much the computer has been my longest term coping mechanism, and how as a kid my parents got me a computer and it was my way to escape the world and the issues I had at school and such.. and it's still a pattern now.
Then I got really pissed off cos this sabotage i've mentioned come in how it usually does. Initially the realization just hits me in my body like 'wow' i'm guessing that's evidence of a belief shifting.. and I start having the realization and thinking about it.. in the past it would lead to the shift. But this bs comes in and is like 'can I let it go' and destroys it even if I say no.. but I can temporarily distract my mind from saying yes or no to delay it. When it happens it's like I still can kind of 'logically' remember what was happening in my mind, but it seems to destroy the shift that was happening.
So this is either some damage from doing sedona method which I will never touch again, or from a dodgy hypnotist a few years ago.. seems more likely the second one.. and i've tried so many things to try to get rid of it.
So feeling more down today, i'm not sure because of OF processing but I think it's more because of that issue and realizing how much that would happen during LTU.. I would have dreams at night indicating shifts and wake up and that same thing would happen, and I imagine my changes would have been much better without that, and I already really liked what LTU did.
The desire to look at porn got much stronger, before I even looked at it briefly then I was like 'what am I doing?' and closed it and said "Ok i'll play OF instead" and i've now gone to hybrid ocean surf x1 listen on headphones.
About 13 minutes in and I don't know, with the ocean surf listening I usually feel more relaxed by now. With hybrid i'm not feeling too much yet.. maybe it's too much in my case, but i'll see. Afterall the autoconfig brought me the desire to use it.
So went there, a few other women who were friends with them. A little uncomfortable in some ways, but mostly pretty relaxed. I noticed a subtle difference in that I was a little more touchy again like I used to be with women which I kind of stopped doing. Due to a few things that I won't go into, i've more developed the ability to just socialize and enjoy it, even just socialize with women without trying to go for anything. But the fear and blockages around actually 'going for it' has increased quite a bit.
Last night had this weird dream, I was upstairs in the house I grew up in where my computer was. And there was a woman cleaning the room or something and she disconnected and moved my computer and I couldn't find it, there was just a monitor sitting there on the carpet. I started going mental and screaming and threw the monitor down the stairs.
I woke up realizing how much the computer has been my longest term coping mechanism, and how as a kid my parents got me a computer and it was my way to escape the world and the issues I had at school and such.. and it's still a pattern now.
Then I got really pissed off cos this sabotage i've mentioned come in how it usually does. Initially the realization just hits me in my body like 'wow' i'm guessing that's evidence of a belief shifting.. and I start having the realization and thinking about it.. in the past it would lead to the shift. But this bs comes in and is like 'can I let it go' and destroys it even if I say no.. but I can temporarily distract my mind from saying yes or no to delay it. When it happens it's like I still can kind of 'logically' remember what was happening in my mind, but it seems to destroy the shift that was happening.
So this is either some damage from doing sedona method which I will never touch again, or from a dodgy hypnotist a few years ago.. seems more likely the second one.. and i've tried so many things to try to get rid of it.
So feeling more down today, i'm not sure because of OF processing but I think it's more because of that issue and realizing how much that would happen during LTU.. I would have dreams at night indicating shifts and wake up and that same thing would happen, and I imagine my changes would have been much better without that, and I already really liked what LTU did.
The desire to look at porn got much stronger, before I even looked at it briefly then I was like 'what am I doing?' and closed it and said "Ok i'll play OF instead" and i've now gone to hybrid ocean surf x1 listen on headphones.
About 13 minutes in and I don't know, with the ocean surf listening I usually feel more relaxed by now. With hybrid i'm not feeling too much yet.. maybe it's too much in my case, but i'll see. Afterall the autoconfig brought me the desire to use it.