07-19-2021, 04:29 AM
Day 61/180 ON #2- Sun 18 July - part 2
6) Rest of the evening was me struggling to focus on my mental tasks. I lost that concentration and distractions were interferring with me more easily.
7) By the night I got to bed and just watched porn before I slept.
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Day 62/180 OFF #1- Mon 19 July
1) Glad I didnt have to think about playing the sub. I slept and had a dream. I woke around 11am, no idea when I slept but didnt intend to wake early nor intend to do anything task related as I felt that my willpower and motivation are spent. I seem to lack the ability to get on with what I need to even though I internally know I need to and should.
2) The dream I had was taboo. I dont want to go into it except to say that in real life its unlikely to ever happen yet it was a sexual dream of sorts. I assume either its the sub or its the porn.
3) I cannot say for sure again if im executing since im not sensing any release of any fears. I cant see anything happening so how can I be sure it is. Everything seems to ellusive, illusionary and subjective. Even dreams, are they my usual dreams that im more aware of or are they the sub. Things like this etc
I am going to let me 2 days off conclude then do another 4 loop cycle before thinking of whether to increase to 5 loops.
Im trying to find the sweet spot but for me after 60days i really do by now need to see something clear. its ok when I see something once then for the remainder/majority of the time I do not.
As Shannon has instructed me (only me) to increase and how to I will do that soon to 5 loops as and when I feel like it and then see what happens.
I hope I do not have to increase to 8 or 9 loops a day as then that will just be ridiculous and more stress to fit into my night time when im not sleeping enough again.
Clearly as stated above my will power is deleted.
6) Rest of the evening was me struggling to focus on my mental tasks. I lost that concentration and distractions were interferring with me more easily.
7) By the night I got to bed and just watched porn before I slept.
---
Day 62/180 OFF #1- Mon 19 July
1) Glad I didnt have to think about playing the sub. I slept and had a dream. I woke around 11am, no idea when I slept but didnt intend to wake early nor intend to do anything task related as I felt that my willpower and motivation are spent. I seem to lack the ability to get on with what I need to even though I internally know I need to and should.
2) The dream I had was taboo. I dont want to go into it except to say that in real life its unlikely to ever happen yet it was a sexual dream of sorts. I assume either its the sub or its the porn.
3) I cannot say for sure again if im executing since im not sensing any release of any fears. I cant see anything happening so how can I be sure it is. Everything seems to ellusive, illusionary and subjective. Even dreams, are they my usual dreams that im more aware of or are they the sub. Things like this etc
I am going to let me 2 days off conclude then do another 4 loop cycle before thinking of whether to increase to 5 loops.
Im trying to find the sweet spot but for me after 60days i really do by now need to see something clear. its ok when I see something once then for the remainder/majority of the time I do not.
As Shannon has instructed me (only me) to increase and how to I will do that soon to 5 loops as and when I feel like it and then see what happens.
I hope I do not have to increase to 8 or 9 loops a day as then that will just be ridiculous and more stress to fit into my night time when im not sleeping enough again.
Clearly as stated above my will power is deleted.
OF3 5.75.7G 13/15Vol
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
