**Jake's Overcoming Fear v.3 5.75.7G Journal**

[Jake2015]

Day 45/180 ON #2- Fri 2 July

1) Had to shower and it was very late when I did and finally got to bed and slept I think around 4.30am or 5am.

2) Set alarm for 10.30am and when they went off kept snoozing and cancelling (I set many alarms) as waking up though I tried was a struggle. I was waking up for a delivery of a food processor in my endeavour to eat better and the driver called which woke me again at around 11.50am and now he wont even deliver today but tomorrow.

3) Yes I dreamed. As usual when I have broken or less than optimal sleep then I tend to realise I woke from a dream. This dream is hard to recall accurately but even harder to convey into words. Suffice to say I was dating a girl and I think she was part of the mob in some way lol Thats really all i can say or add. How is this related to OF if it even is is well anybody's guess lol

4) I however yesterday before the shower after the hours long phonecall got into gear and just ticked 1 thing after another from my task/todo list. I was able to give it a short burst of willpower it seems.

5) Today however im sleepy and sluggish. I dealt with supermarket grocery delivery which was cleaned, disinfected and put away and then had breakfast was a sugar laden cereal and toast resulting in what is now the lack of sleep plus food coma....a double whammy!

6) im sipping on tea and trying nay struggling to get proactive and thus coming on here to do my journal is the first step to recovery... as I stand up and say I Jake 2015 am tired and slow today....they say admitting is the first step to recovery right haha

anyway so ill try and get more proactive.

ohhh and point 7) after 3 loops though my sleep etc is poor the actual fallout from listening is nill pwa (from eurovision, translated into standardised english as No Points) meaning 3 loops seems to be subtle and unnoticeable.

I am getting little thoughts of increasing more, whether that means increase to 3 on days (which I prefer not doing) or 4 loops which also seems too much for me but this may not be autoconfig but just my own desires to sense, feel and see that the sub is working by reacting to it.

Ahh thats the term ive been seeking. Im looking for reactions from me due to the sub to see more clearly that it is working, or that I am executing and not stonewalling and thus gain more confidence, trust and certainty. I think 6 years of stonewalling has led to doubts ofcourse.

8) just remembered that as I was walking towards my kitchen, behind the door on the floor under the heating radiator was a tiny almost cute spider. It froze in fear. I saw it and initially did a double take, who wouldnt right, but then realised it was small and posed no threat to me so killing it was evil and rather I would let it live. I then went towards it and it moved a little so I used my feet (protected i must say within footwear, known as trainers/sneakers) to stomp closer to it to make it scuttle away under the radiator and hopefully to cause it enough fear to know coming out is not safe for him/her/they/it or whatever the pronouns are for spiders these days.

That aside what I wanted to say was that as i got closer even though i knew the spider posed no real danger to me, I still had a reaction. I am wearing shorts today and I felt goosebumps come alive, to red alert all the way from my shins to my quads. I then realised that rather than it being a gust of wind, clearly it was he who shall be named..... the dreaded master of evil, spells and illusion himself..... subconscious fear.