05-08-2021, 03:31 PM
Stage 7 Day 85 (1)
OK Mystic, all the things you're saying are very nice, very heartfelt. But tell me this. Is this "work" of yours just an excuse? I mean I get it, you care and it is draining you but I'm sure there are enough hours in the day to focus on other stuff as well! So let's be honest, what's your excuse? Why you don't do all the things you long for?
Fear not, Mystic is here to answer this troubling question!
That is an excellent question random voice in my head as I've been wondering it myself for a couple of days now. It is easy to preach but hard to live by your tenets, that is true. And I do say I have plans, dreams and longings I need to leave at the backburner for some time due to work. So am I full of crap? Yes. But there is some context to it.
My work is more that just a job. For nine years now this is what was driving me, what was giving me purpose when I had nothing. Heartbreak? Get to work. Death of father? Get to work. Any kind of self-esteem issue not solvable by push-ups? Get to work. My friends are calling me not by my name but by my job. I think of myself first and foremost as my job. And now that it's coming to an end, now that I'm about to make my first adult decision at the age of 25+ and quit it to venture into the great unknown and do something different... I want to end it with a bang, not a whimper.
I suffer but I suffer only because of my vices. Because of my pride, my hubris. Not that anyone will care. But I will. I want to make sure that I will do the best goddamn job I can in these last few months. And given that quite possibly I won't even "have to" (even though I should) take another day job in my life I want this to be my statement. Something that others will remember me by and something I will be proud of till the day I die.
Is it worth more that my dreams and longings? No. In any other situation I would just quit and walk away. But these are nine years of my life. I want to do this right as my dreams will be here in a year or two or several, but this chance, this opportunity, it's temporal and ephemeral. I will escape me if I don't pursue it and I know I will regret it till the day I die that I didn't finish what I started.
This may be childish, this may be foolish, stupid, foolhardy and stubborn but that's me first and foremost. Part of me will die in a few months. I want this to be worth it. And if I chicken out... I'll be suffering for longer, with diminishing rewards and nothing to show for my work. There is nothing to show for right now except if you take a broader view.
And there is one more thing. I hope this part is not against the forum rules, if it is then please remove it but leave the rest of the post. I tend to be a fatalist. Not in a sense that I give myself to fate but rather I trust it. I wanted to post here something about how I tend to be extremely lucky in my life. Because I do and it well may be byproduct of how I look at the world and my experiences. But damn. Look at my signature. "Letter written in uncertainty". This doesn't mean I am unknowable. I means my circumstances are. And while I can control them to some degree I cannot do it fully. I am not the author of the letter, I am the letter itself. And in my heart of hearts I think that what I'm doing right now is right. That there is no way to do this better than the way I do it now. If there was a clear one I would've taken it.
OK Mystic, all the things you're saying are very nice, very heartfelt. But tell me this. Is this "work" of yours just an excuse? I mean I get it, you care and it is draining you but I'm sure there are enough hours in the day to focus on other stuff as well! So let's be honest, what's your excuse? Why you don't do all the things you long for?
Fear not, Mystic is here to answer this troubling question!
That is an excellent question random voice in my head as I've been wondering it myself for a couple of days now. It is easy to preach but hard to live by your tenets, that is true. And I do say I have plans, dreams and longings I need to leave at the backburner for some time due to work. So am I full of crap? Yes. But there is some context to it.
My work is more that just a job. For nine years now this is what was driving me, what was giving me purpose when I had nothing. Heartbreak? Get to work. Death of father? Get to work. Any kind of self-esteem issue not solvable by push-ups? Get to work. My friends are calling me not by my name but by my job. I think of myself first and foremost as my job. And now that it's coming to an end, now that I'm about to make my first adult decision at the age of 25+ and quit it to venture into the great unknown and do something different... I want to end it with a bang, not a whimper.
I suffer but I suffer only because of my vices. Because of my pride, my hubris. Not that anyone will care. But I will. I want to make sure that I will do the best goddamn job I can in these last few months. And given that quite possibly I won't even "have to" (even though I should) take another day job in my life I want this to be my statement. Something that others will remember me by and something I will be proud of till the day I die.
Is it worth more that my dreams and longings? No. In any other situation I would just quit and walk away. But these are nine years of my life. I want to do this right as my dreams will be here in a year or two or several, but this chance, this opportunity, it's temporal and ephemeral. I will escape me if I don't pursue it and I know I will regret it till the day I die that I didn't finish what I started.
This may be childish, this may be foolish, stupid, foolhardy and stubborn but that's me first and foremost. Part of me will die in a few months. I want this to be worth it. And if I chicken out... I'll be suffering for longer, with diminishing rewards and nothing to show for my work. There is nothing to show for right now except if you take a broader view.
And there is one more thing. I hope this part is not against the forum rules, if it is then please remove it but leave the rest of the post. I tend to be a fatalist. Not in a sense that I give myself to fate but rather I trust it. I wanted to post here something about how I tend to be extremely lucky in my life. Because I do and it well may be byproduct of how I look at the world and my experiences. But damn. Look at my signature. "Letter written in uncertainty". This doesn't mean I am unknowable. I means my circumstances are. And while I can control them to some degree I cannot do it fully. I am not the author of the letter, I am the letter itself. And in my heart of hearts I think that what I'm doing right now is right. That there is no way to do this better than the way I do it now. If there was a clear one I would've taken it.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
