02-17-2021, 04:10 PM
Well, since MLS will probably be coming out in like 2-3 days I thought I should probably make the last post for this journal.
Well starting off I did get some bad news that due to some delays on the University's side I won't be able to start until April 1st. So one month later than I wanted but it is what it is and I'm not down about it. Sometimes shit happens that is out of your control and there's no point getting angry about it. It just is. The good news is due to my past degree with them and previous transcripts I should only need to complete 21 classes to finish the degree. This will move back my time to try to get into a masters degree program to October but I guess that's fine as well. The plan is still to get into an Ivy league university as my first choice or one of the tech schools (Georgia, Virginia, etc) as my secondary's. Which I did do more research and even with my secondary's I should still be able to get a cushy 6 figure job right afterwards. Though I'm starting to think less and less about that point of it and more of the idea of the potential knowledge I will gain. Mainly because during that few months when I won't be doing schooling I do plan to run UMSv2 which given all the stuff I have cleared out I'm expecting this summer to be quite lucrative.
As far as final results right now I don't really feel any fear whatsoever at all anymore. On top of that no shame or guilt either. I've become quite talkative and have no problem talking to strangers and I notice strangers react differently to me now. Sex isn't even really a serious thing in my mind anymore. Its like if I were to have sex I would be into it in the moment but outside that I don't really care. My dreams and work are more important to me. Talking to people without agenda is more important as well. Another thing for time wasters, especially women, I just block them and move on. I just easily forget any people who try to upset the flow of my life at the moment.
An amazing thing I have noticed though is that simply just removing fear causes major shifts in your life. Its like as soon as I had that first major break thru I lost my other job, which didn't upset me at all, then got a new, better paying job which came with the benefit that I was able to get vaccinated for free. On top of that I work with much, much better people. It does seem that your beliefs do indeed shape your reality. When I still had some fear issues I was working at that Amazon affiliate (I now understand why people say working for Amazon and its affiliates is horrible) where people would constantly lie to you with a straight face, expect you to do outrageous amount of package deliveries (more than double than USPS) yet receive less pay than USPS, they would try to act like they care about you but in the end not really. In some ways I was glad to be rid of that job as I dislike jobs where recruiters will lie straight to your face at the beginning as if your not going to find out eventually.
After the major breakthroughs I landed this job with the benefits I mentioned and people (including managers) who bend over backwards to try to accommodate you and help you out anyway possible. I find it highly unlikely that that just happen out of coincidence. Also things just keep on working themselves out for better. I think its because of this new belief I have of things just happen and they always work themselves out for better. I know it was after one of the breakthroughs that this happened but its been a belief in my mind for a while now and it keeps showing itself to be true. Literally something that could be perceived to be "bad" could happen but I literally don't even take it to heart. What will happen generally is: (1) something happens later that clears up the bad situation, (2) something happens that shows the previous bad situation is actually a good thing, or (3) it turns out what happened didn't even matter anyway.
Mind you all this rarely happens anyway because I have noticed the amount of bad things that happen in my life right now barely even occur while at the same time the amount of good things that happens seems to keep on happening quite regularly. For example just last week due to a national Vaccine shortage we started working only half days yet our client (one of the major private hospital chains) decided it wasn't our fault and said they would pay us the full 12 hour shift amounts despite only working 5 hours each of those days. This was unheard of in any of the companies I have worked for except for the school in China. Its amazing how after you change your internal beliefs your external reality changes to fit that. So any of those people who were thinking that when Shannon said that your beliefs make up your reality that he was "off his rocker" I can confirm with my own experience that he was not wrong at all nor crazy. I have never experience a time in my life where things consistently seem to be going right.
Hell even the relationship with my mother is much better. Granted I would say its more of an I try to do what I can and she does what she can around the house though we still don't talk much we will go out of our way to help each other if needed. It seems to be this general respect that is upheld now where she doesn't try to annoy me with nonsense anymore and just talks to me if its really, really needed not so she can just bitch and complain. I think after I finally aired out all the shit that had been held in for the last few decades with no fear or anything of the sort it was gotten across that I will not tolerated being treated the way I was being treated and she finally got it that that time is over. I have no more fear of her and therefore I will not allow it to stand anymore. So she has backed down and busied herself with other things. Its so funny actually once I actually stood up to her I realized she only relied on the initial fear she posed to keep me in place. After you get past that mirage of fear she doesn't have anything at all and quickly backs down.
As I alluded to by the sex discussion earlier women is something I don't even really think about often nor do I care as much anymore. I don't even care if I get married or have kids later on. A lot of times I the idea of regular relationships and taking care of kids as too much of an obstacle in the way of my work and dreams now. Maybe I will feel more comfortable about it at a later date but I feel like I'm more of an workaholic now. I feel like there is too much work to be done in this world to improve it to be sitting idly by not doing much. For that reason on my days of now I feel fucking bored to death. I can't even relax much anymore doing "average" things because it doesn't feel productive or fulfilling at all. I guess this is the way I truly am and it was the fear of the outside world that was keeping me from being this way. It feels as if ,not just in this area but others as well, the lies that society has tried to sell me have been removed and I see the society the "masses" (or the "herd" as Nietzsche called them) worship as : boring, uninventive, sluggish, lazy, and above all mediocre.
Its interesting that before out of fear I would have abased my true self just so I could become part of a community, to have a sense of comradery. Now that that fear is gone and I don't feel: sadness, fear, loneliness, or hatred I have no use for belonging to a community anymore. Why should I lower my potential just for mere feeling of belonging? For some that will sound arrogant though it is not, it is how I truly feel and I make no apologies for it. I'm done apologizing for myself. I've apologized for myself for too long and all it gave me was people requiring me to apologize even further while not giving me the comradery that I seek. At the end of the day the only thing I needed to do was supply my own love, self respect, etc then I am fulfilled. Paradoxically once you start to do this you start to find that others start wanting to follow you or want your approval which perplexes me at times really.
As a last tidbit of something that happened recently a certain idea came to me one night that made me flesh out an idea of how to revolutionize AI. I will have to see if it works in the coming years but I'm pretty confident it will. I just need the required tools when the time is right. I do find something quite deep yet hilarious at the same time. The fact that Shannon is going to make major breakthroughs into knowledge about the subconscious and how to work with it and through that breakthrough it helps me to develop myself to the point of making major breakthroughs in AI. Though I'm sure this "Chain of causation" goes pretty far back with various people and will continue to go on for a long, long time. I just find something interesting and universally comical about all this that I can't quite put my finger on. As if I have this feeling that everything is as it should be.
In closing I owe this sub quite a lot. It has cleared out a lot of things if not most of it. I feel I am finally ready for every other sub I am to run. More importantly it has led me to understand fundamentally what Nietzsche meant when he said: "I have no use of disciples. Let Everyone be their own true follower".
Well starting off I did get some bad news that due to some delays on the University's side I won't be able to start until April 1st. So one month later than I wanted but it is what it is and I'm not down about it. Sometimes shit happens that is out of your control and there's no point getting angry about it. It just is. The good news is due to my past degree with them and previous transcripts I should only need to complete 21 classes to finish the degree. This will move back my time to try to get into a masters degree program to October but I guess that's fine as well. The plan is still to get into an Ivy league university as my first choice or one of the tech schools (Georgia, Virginia, etc) as my secondary's. Which I did do more research and even with my secondary's I should still be able to get a cushy 6 figure job right afterwards. Though I'm starting to think less and less about that point of it and more of the idea of the potential knowledge I will gain. Mainly because during that few months when I won't be doing schooling I do plan to run UMSv2 which given all the stuff I have cleared out I'm expecting this summer to be quite lucrative.
As far as final results right now I don't really feel any fear whatsoever at all anymore. On top of that no shame or guilt either. I've become quite talkative and have no problem talking to strangers and I notice strangers react differently to me now. Sex isn't even really a serious thing in my mind anymore. Its like if I were to have sex I would be into it in the moment but outside that I don't really care. My dreams and work are more important to me. Talking to people without agenda is more important as well. Another thing for time wasters, especially women, I just block them and move on. I just easily forget any people who try to upset the flow of my life at the moment.
An amazing thing I have noticed though is that simply just removing fear causes major shifts in your life. Its like as soon as I had that first major break thru I lost my other job, which didn't upset me at all, then got a new, better paying job which came with the benefit that I was able to get vaccinated for free. On top of that I work with much, much better people. It does seem that your beliefs do indeed shape your reality. When I still had some fear issues I was working at that Amazon affiliate (I now understand why people say working for Amazon and its affiliates is horrible) where people would constantly lie to you with a straight face, expect you to do outrageous amount of package deliveries (more than double than USPS) yet receive less pay than USPS, they would try to act like they care about you but in the end not really. In some ways I was glad to be rid of that job as I dislike jobs where recruiters will lie straight to your face at the beginning as if your not going to find out eventually.
After the major breakthroughs I landed this job with the benefits I mentioned and people (including managers) who bend over backwards to try to accommodate you and help you out anyway possible. I find it highly unlikely that that just happen out of coincidence. Also things just keep on working themselves out for better. I think its because of this new belief I have of things just happen and they always work themselves out for better. I know it was after one of the breakthroughs that this happened but its been a belief in my mind for a while now and it keeps showing itself to be true. Literally something that could be perceived to be "bad" could happen but I literally don't even take it to heart. What will happen generally is: (1) something happens later that clears up the bad situation, (2) something happens that shows the previous bad situation is actually a good thing, or (3) it turns out what happened didn't even matter anyway.
Mind you all this rarely happens anyway because I have noticed the amount of bad things that happen in my life right now barely even occur while at the same time the amount of good things that happens seems to keep on happening quite regularly. For example just last week due to a national Vaccine shortage we started working only half days yet our client (one of the major private hospital chains) decided it wasn't our fault and said they would pay us the full 12 hour shift amounts despite only working 5 hours each of those days. This was unheard of in any of the companies I have worked for except for the school in China. Its amazing how after you change your internal beliefs your external reality changes to fit that. So any of those people who were thinking that when Shannon said that your beliefs make up your reality that he was "off his rocker" I can confirm with my own experience that he was not wrong at all nor crazy. I have never experience a time in my life where things consistently seem to be going right.
Hell even the relationship with my mother is much better. Granted I would say its more of an I try to do what I can and she does what she can around the house though we still don't talk much we will go out of our way to help each other if needed. It seems to be this general respect that is upheld now where she doesn't try to annoy me with nonsense anymore and just talks to me if its really, really needed not so she can just bitch and complain. I think after I finally aired out all the shit that had been held in for the last few decades with no fear or anything of the sort it was gotten across that I will not tolerated being treated the way I was being treated and she finally got it that that time is over. I have no more fear of her and therefore I will not allow it to stand anymore. So she has backed down and busied herself with other things. Its so funny actually once I actually stood up to her I realized she only relied on the initial fear she posed to keep me in place. After you get past that mirage of fear she doesn't have anything at all and quickly backs down.
As I alluded to by the sex discussion earlier women is something I don't even really think about often nor do I care as much anymore. I don't even care if I get married or have kids later on. A lot of times I the idea of regular relationships and taking care of kids as too much of an obstacle in the way of my work and dreams now. Maybe I will feel more comfortable about it at a later date but I feel like I'm more of an workaholic now. I feel like there is too much work to be done in this world to improve it to be sitting idly by not doing much. For that reason on my days of now I feel fucking bored to death. I can't even relax much anymore doing "average" things because it doesn't feel productive or fulfilling at all. I guess this is the way I truly am and it was the fear of the outside world that was keeping me from being this way. It feels as if ,not just in this area but others as well, the lies that society has tried to sell me have been removed and I see the society the "masses" (or the "herd" as Nietzsche called them) worship as : boring, uninventive, sluggish, lazy, and above all mediocre.
Its interesting that before out of fear I would have abased my true self just so I could become part of a community, to have a sense of comradery. Now that that fear is gone and I don't feel: sadness, fear, loneliness, or hatred I have no use for belonging to a community anymore. Why should I lower my potential just for mere feeling of belonging? For some that will sound arrogant though it is not, it is how I truly feel and I make no apologies for it. I'm done apologizing for myself. I've apologized for myself for too long and all it gave me was people requiring me to apologize even further while not giving me the comradery that I seek. At the end of the day the only thing I needed to do was supply my own love, self respect, etc then I am fulfilled. Paradoxically once you start to do this you start to find that others start wanting to follow you or want your approval which perplexes me at times really.
As a last tidbit of something that happened recently a certain idea came to me one night that made me flesh out an idea of how to revolutionize AI. I will have to see if it works in the coming years but I'm pretty confident it will. I just need the required tools when the time is right. I do find something quite deep yet hilarious at the same time. The fact that Shannon is going to make major breakthroughs into knowledge about the subconscious and how to work with it and through that breakthrough it helps me to develop myself to the point of making major breakthroughs in AI. Though I'm sure this "Chain of causation" goes pretty far back with various people and will continue to go on for a long, long time. I just find something interesting and universally comical about all this that I can't quite put my finger on. As if I have this feeling that everything is as it should be.
In closing I owe this sub quite a lot. It has cleared out a lot of things if not most of it. I feel I am finally ready for every other sub I am to run. More importantly it has led me to understand fundamentally what Nietzsche meant when he said: "I have no use of disciples. Let Everyone be their own true follower".
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
![[Image: 1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg]](https://cache.desktopnexus.com/thumbseg/1604/1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg)
