Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv2 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well thought I would report on somethings.

First off I did forget to mention since before last post that I had decided to stop using the sub just to see if the results were permanent and make sure there wasn't any backsliding that would go on. I'm very happy to say that for a while now after not using the sub I have not seen one iota of of my previous self popping up. No reverting back at all which is a very good thing. Still haven't watched porn in like 2-3 weeks. I literally have no interest in it whatsoever. Eh, as far as masturbating eh that still happens but probably like once every 2-4 days. I don't even think about it often and usually whatever sexual feelings I have I tend to just enjoy "sitting" in that energy as it were instead of expelling it. One noticeable thing is that I notice is I have some type of orgasm its like I get more pleasure from it and it feels like some full mind and body type orgasm which I assume has to be due to the lack of fear and anxiety around sexuality.

I did realize something major though which I can't really believe took me so long to realize. I can't feel emotional pain and haven't felt any for like 2-3 weeks now I think. I just don't see the point in feeling emotional pain. Its not like it benefits me in anyway. It just seems non essential. Emotional pain, depression, anxiety, rage, hatred none of these things benefit me in anyway, shape, or form. So why bother with them. I think this is why I feel so powerful and generally of good mood on a daily basis. It feels like no one can hurt me as I am the one in control if they hurt me or not. They can do nothing. It seems now in one of those rare times someone might try to hurt me my emotional state just goes blank for a moment then I kind of act surprised they would even try to do that and then I start laughing internally about it as if I can't believe they are trying to seriously hurt me lol.

The reason I bring this up is because there was another incident that happened that helped clarify this. So I was back on that foreign dating site I visit, don't know probably because I wanted people to converse with some of the time and also wanted to see where it would all go. There was this one women who was pretty hot looking and had at least 2 tattoos I think. We started talking on a messaging app and she seemed ok at the beginning. I would get this feeling in the back of my mind though based on her pictures that she might be one of those "emotional broken" type ones but she seemed decent like I said. Eventually I ask if she could send a few recent pictures of herself (just regular pictures) and I would do the same. All of a sudden her attitude shifted and she got annoyed and defensive. I reiterated that I was just asking for normal recent pictures which is pretty common for people on the site to do.

I don't even get a reply, she just blocks me lol. For backstory I think some of the issue is many guys on that site ask for nudes constantly and she did tell me she had boyfriends before of which all of them had cheated on her. Regardless I was more in humorous disbelief that that actually happened. Before I probably would have been distraught and sad thinking I had done something totally wrong. I would be blaming myself honestly. I then did something I also wouldn't have done before. Went back on the site and messaged her through that basically saying "Ya know maybe you shouldn't be on this site if your just going to treat the "good guys" like all the perverts you keep meeting. I had a simple, common request then you just flew off the handle. For future reference maybe you should learn not to fly off the handle on small things. Regardless I do wish you luck in your search, goodbye".

Surprisely I got a message back somewhat apologizing but also saying some faulty beliefs like the idea that she thinks guys who ask for pictures are all perverts lol. I wrote my final message back reiterating what I said and also saying that ya know I'm glad this happened seeing as I already told you I don't want drama or complications in myself. The fact that you acted this way tells me that you would have brought those things in my life and we weren't going to be compatible at all. So, it wouldn't have worked out though I still wish you luck in your future endeavors. I left it like that then and just moved on. Funny how quickly I moved on as well as that is new and if I did think about it hours later it was just to laugh at it. I think i do the whole wishing the person who tries to hurt me thing now more for myself honestly so I don't go down the road I used to be on. It helps me make peace with the person and just forget them afterwards.

I also mention this event because it made me realize that something else @Shannon said was true. Why guys who have more self respect might like dealing with 7 and 8s with better attitudes than 9s and 10s with horrible attitudes. Ugh, I can't imagine dealing with that type of entitlement, idiocy, and overall toxicity anymore. I know before I would have been pretty beta and want to find anyway to get with such chicks but now if they bring more drama or complications I really don't give a shit. I also just value myself more and I don't want to put up with such nonsense. I realize where I'm going in life. Literally within a few months I should be making a six figure salary and once I get my masters degree sometime after September I will be making close to 160k + per year with a remote position. If things go really, really well while running UMS I might just hit the millionaire mark within an year given I will have plenty of capital for trading to spare. So honestly excuse me if I think I'm way more worth than some chick who doesn't really have any contributions to anything besides winning the genetic lottery lol.

I just find the idea that such a women who doesn't have good personality, character, or even external accomplishments thinks just because of her looks , which she had no control over to begin with, thinks she better than some guy with actual real, tangible accomplishments just totally laughable. That's why I can't understand these kind of beta guys who have very successful careers yet they keep on trying to simp for certain women who barely have any real qualities at all lol.

I don't know I just find this all funny now to be honest. I wonder why I used to be the way I was and why I acted like that but meh. That's in the past and no point in dragging it back up. It doesn't even matter anymore.