01-23-2021, 02:38 PM
(01-23-2021, 03:32 AM)Ruffian Wrote:(01-22-2021, 05:19 PM)NOMAD Wrote: Stage 6, Day 14
The past week has been interesting in terms of my emotional state. I started out experiencing a lot of fear. Then anger. Then disconnectedness, like I was watching a movie that I was somehow part of but was only playing a role. Now, the best way I can describe what I feel is un-tethered. I still feel like I'm watching a movie, but I don't feel like I'm playing a role any more. Meanwhile, all the other actors are still acting out their parts as if they're robots running on autopilot. It's as if most of the people around me are pre-programmed to think and act certain ways and curiously those patterns (thoughts & actions) are becoming more and more predictable.
I've intentionally avoided reporting over the past few days because I've been trying to process what's going on. In fact, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what I'm experiencing. This has been a really odd week.
Do you notice an alteration of your perception of time? Like, all this stuff is going on, and yet somehow, it's always now?
That's a good question. Yes, my perception of time was different at one particular point in the week. But I don't think I can describe it as "always now".
Wednesday morning, it 'felt' like it was Monday. It couldn't have been Monday because I had already been to work, so the feeling made no sense whatsoever. That was odd. Going back to my movie analogy... a movie might span days, weeks, months, and in some cases years. For the person watching, it was only a couple of hours. This is the best way I can describe it.
The mental image I have is of a tiny light shining up at the ceiling. The beam is extremely narrow at the source, then spreads out as it approaches the ceiling. Imagine normal life as being the point where the light hits the ceiling, where the beam is spread to its max. Now imagine observing that point from somewhere in between the light source and where it hits the ceiling. The feeling has been sort of like that. Wednesday 'felt' like Monday because time, in that position isn't as "spread out".
I realize what I'm writing probably seems a little bit nutty. Like I said, I avoided reporting because it was a little bit too "out there" for me to grasp.
