01-22-2021, 12:21 AM
@fab10 eh, it was more a progression. OFv1 I the symptoms stopped for a while then came back (I assume the fear might have just regrew itself) but I notice I would get symptoms but after I feel those symptoms they wouldn't bother me as much, then on E4 it got significantly better with symptoms happening even less and when they happen I care even less. Finally on OFv2 they just stopped really.
@Bayern Glad I could help out.
Eh, well I should be getting things setup so I will be doing Uber or something similar on my days off from the regular job. I just don't like sitting at home right now while I could be doing something productive. Video games don't interest me much anymore nor mindlessly watching youtube videos. I also as I mentioned before just want to get out of this country and get to work somewhere else while I finish my second degree. I have also made 2 other major decisions. First off If I'm not able to go back to China with my next attempt with the Embassy and the restrictions don't get lowered by early March I decided I'm going to Jump ship and just get a job in Korea then. Getting back into China as an US citizen is becoming too much of an headache.
Secondly, I will be going into a Masters degree in Computer Science soon after I get my second Bachelors. I will be aiming to get into the online programs for one of the major universities (Harvard, Columbia, Stanford, Virginia tech,etc). I just want to make sure if I end up having to work for someone or if I can get a remote job right off the bat its going to be high paying, like Six figures territory. That way I can make an six figures American Salary (hopefully by the time i'm out of the program the currency crisis will be over) and I can still make bank while living cheaply in Asia.
If the Currency crisis isn't resolved by the time i'm out of the program then another option is to work in another English speaking country making good money (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, UK, Dubai) or I might work remotely for a company in those countries. I'm sure if I get an Ivy league degree I will have plenty of recruiters offering lots for a position. Anyway, that is the plan for now. Probably keep trying to get into China but if i'm not able to then just head to Korea and have my stuff shipped there. If possible going to try to work at a Public school as I should get low hours similar to my current position.
I don't know but I've just had more of the feeling to work hard and improve my life at this time. I almost have this feeling that I might in the future be moving towards a workaholic phase which I don't mind. Its gotten to the point that I'm not even interested in having normal relationships really. Honestly after dealing with this fear it I don't even care if I get married anymore nor have children in the future. If I get very financially wealth I just wouldn't mind going to mistress route, etc. Just to have someone who lives with me who I can have fun with occasionally and sex. That's about it though. I'm going to be too busy with research and development in the future to be dealing with someone else's emotional issues or problems. Some guys might want that really deep emotional connection which I'm fine with in a relationship but its not my main priority. My main priority is my goals and work.
Lastly, there is something that is going to be hard to explain. It just feels like there is something in the background pushing me in a direction and changing my protectory in life. It feels like everything around me is changing or perhaps just my perception of everything around me is changing. Old things are passing away for me and seems like a new reality is coming into my life prompted by actions due to my new beliefs that the sub has put into me or perhaps I should say lack of fearful beliefs. I find the negativity in me just isn't there and I now just dislike people who are constantly negative. I rather just be positive as negativity has gotten no one anything they really wanted in life. I believe now that the weird feeling I was getting sometimes from this clean slate feeling is gone. I think I have gotten used to and feel just fine with my new mental state.
@Bayern Glad I could help out.
Eh, well I should be getting things setup so I will be doing Uber or something similar on my days off from the regular job. I just don't like sitting at home right now while I could be doing something productive. Video games don't interest me much anymore nor mindlessly watching youtube videos. I also as I mentioned before just want to get out of this country and get to work somewhere else while I finish my second degree. I have also made 2 other major decisions. First off If I'm not able to go back to China with my next attempt with the Embassy and the restrictions don't get lowered by early March I decided I'm going to Jump ship and just get a job in Korea then. Getting back into China as an US citizen is becoming too much of an headache.
Secondly, I will be going into a Masters degree in Computer Science soon after I get my second Bachelors. I will be aiming to get into the online programs for one of the major universities (Harvard, Columbia, Stanford, Virginia tech,etc). I just want to make sure if I end up having to work for someone or if I can get a remote job right off the bat its going to be high paying, like Six figures territory. That way I can make an six figures American Salary (hopefully by the time i'm out of the program the currency crisis will be over) and I can still make bank while living cheaply in Asia.
If the Currency crisis isn't resolved by the time i'm out of the program then another option is to work in another English speaking country making good money (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, UK, Dubai) or I might work remotely for a company in those countries. I'm sure if I get an Ivy league degree I will have plenty of recruiters offering lots for a position. Anyway, that is the plan for now. Probably keep trying to get into China but if i'm not able to then just head to Korea and have my stuff shipped there. If possible going to try to work at a Public school as I should get low hours similar to my current position.
I don't know but I've just had more of the feeling to work hard and improve my life at this time. I almost have this feeling that I might in the future be moving towards a workaholic phase which I don't mind. Its gotten to the point that I'm not even interested in having normal relationships really. Honestly after dealing with this fear it I don't even care if I get married anymore nor have children in the future. If I get very financially wealth I just wouldn't mind going to mistress route, etc. Just to have someone who lives with me who I can have fun with occasionally and sex. That's about it though. I'm going to be too busy with research and development in the future to be dealing with someone else's emotional issues or problems. Some guys might want that really deep emotional connection which I'm fine with in a relationship but its not my main priority. My main priority is my goals and work.
Lastly, there is something that is going to be hard to explain. It just feels like there is something in the background pushing me in a direction and changing my protectory in life. It feels like everything around me is changing or perhaps just my perception of everything around me is changing. Old things are passing away for me and seems like a new reality is coming into my life prompted by actions due to my new beliefs that the sub has put into me or perhaps I should say lack of fearful beliefs. I find the negativity in me just isn't there and I now just dislike people who are constantly negative. I rather just be positive as negativity has gotten no one anything they really wanted in life. I believe now that the weird feeling I was getting sometimes from this clean slate feeling is gone. I think I have gotten used to and feel just fine with my new mental state.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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