Mystic LTU 6 Journal

[Mystic Pymp]

continued

I keep thinking about life in terms of card game. I don't care which one, I don't know them anyway maybe except poker, but it's all about general analogy.

We are all served our cards - some of us get good cards, some of us crappy ones. At start some us come from wealthy families, some from poor ones and others still have no family. Some are healthy and some not. During the course of our lives we play our cards and we are being dealt new one. Some squander great starting positions, some make it from almost nothing. It's up to us what we do with these cards and these are not the entirety of our stories. There is luck, sure, but we can bluff, we can strategize, damn we can cheat. There is no such thing as luck in the end and our luck is ours to decide. We just have to play the cards we are dealt well.

But you have to play them. There is no use in just holding them in your hand. And the fear of playing them wrong can be overwhelming. I think it's called opportunity cost - you're losing by doing nothing. But by doing things wrong you lose as well. And knowing how to do things right can be learnt only by doing things wrong. There is no ultimate guide on the web, no winning strategy. Poker might be finite state game but life is not. It's more like surfing than poker if you could surf on the cards.

But there is even weirder kind of fear I've been experiencing this week. Fear of not being deal the card you wish to have. Right now I'm a good position overall and the cards I have give me winning position. Unless somebody sets fire to the game table I'm not losing my current cards and everything is bound to be OK. Of course you can predict the game only so far into the future but that's the game for you and it's not an issue. The issue is that I'm not interested in just winning, I'm interested in high score. And for this I need the right cards.

I can sense these cards coming. I know they are out of the game right now so they are up for grabs and I wanna be the one grabbing. But I'm not the one dealing. I have to wait, to anticipate. It's so easy to strategize having in mind cards you MIGHT get but it builds expectations. And even in excellent situation unmet expectations lead to sadness, to defeatism. I'm sure the cards will come to me eventually, it's just a law of huge numbers. But I want to play my winning game NOW! And as I stand I not only cannot do it but also I don't know when I'll be able to. After 18 years of learning the basics and 10 years of prepping for that move this feels frustrating.

"Let it go", I hear them say, "enjoy the game, not the prize!". Sure, I agree. And I did for most of the journey. But at some moment anticipation comes and cannot be simply dismissed. That opportunity cost comes into the mind again. You think about playing the system, cheating, but that will have unforeseen consequences. So I want, try to enjoy the game but there is this bitter sweet under it all.

I haven't figured my next move yet. I want to see what cards will come this week. May be that I'll get a winning streak. May be that I'll have to pass, regroup and play the old strategy, the one from before I figured out that particular move. I just hope that if the cards won't be right I won't be losing much energy on planning moves I'll end up disregarding.