First day off after my third cycle. Had a really deep sleep and found it hard to wake up - could still easily go back to sleep. Have a headache and feel a bit listless BUT this is good. I'm actively practicing having fortitude and being ok with this sort of suffering - it's not a big deal when I think about it.
Yesterday I had a number of hard arguments, dealing with people coming at me. I kept my calm throughout and managed to maintain good composure, however by the end of the day I was spent after my boss, someone very close to me and my partner were popping off at me for various things. The simple reason for this (apart from from my partner) is that I'm maintaining boundaries and saying no when it needs to be said, to people who deem themselves (and honestly who I have permitted to be) authorities in my life. They are very used to compliance from me and when it doesn't come it triggers something very harsh and nasty. I got called some nasty names and a mask came off someone close to me where they really revealed they counted on an idea that I was entirely beneath them.
So several interesting things come out of this on reflection.
(1) the real pain and stress wasn't from my boss or the 'close former-authority figure', it came really from my partners upset at having much of the pressure of domestic life loaded onto her, her lashing out because of that pressure and me actually feeling guilty for missing things which could have made things better for her. I couldn't shake that unhappiness and feeling of inadequacy guilt and shame - and with that I self medicated with food. (some context for that, i'm on a strict diet at the moment so avoiding certain things like sugar like the plague).
(2) I forgave the person who verbally attacked me, and didn't feel much anger. In fact I felt relieved - I've been gaslit on this issue for years - when I say years I mean MY WHOLE LIFE! with them subtly demeaning, belittling and asserting power and removing mine then acting like it wasn't happening and it was my own complex/paranoia when I called it out. This came out their mouths and it was like - nice, gotcha, its out of your mouth now and I can chill. What happened next was cool because I managed to forgive them for being so broken, but consciously decided that I wasn't letting them off the hook, not because of vengeance but because I won't tolerate such behaviour in my life from anyone. So I very calmly told them to F*CK off with that BS, it wasn't happening anymore and to know their place. This silenced them but theyre bruised and resentful and will possibly seek revenge in some passive aggressive way or another - so I don't see this problem going away.
(3) I'm probably in trouble at work for pushing back on some important things and saying they can't be done rather than cowtowing. This provokes a big but kind of a slow burning low lying fear that's always there that I'll get sidelined, bullied, suffer reputational damage or whatever BUT again this is somewhat of a relief. I get to face it clearly and deal with. The way I'm putting these boundaries up is inartful at the moment, I'm behaving in a bit of a brutish rather than political manner but it's early days of living like this so I'm giving myself time to work out the kinks of navigating interpersonal power dynamics. I'm not at personal risk from this from losing my job I think. All feedback has been that I'm essential for much of the things that happen and my record for going above and beyond makes me a problem if they want to try to so much as give me a negative performance review. Seems like I'm learning to accept my own power and my own agency and being less of a victim.
(4) In all of this the underlying theme is that I'm consciously restructuring myself, my emotional reactions and my reactions to my emotional reactions around my own principles - effectively to develop a proper moral character.
So that's good.
Yesterday I had a number of hard arguments, dealing with people coming at me. I kept my calm throughout and managed to maintain good composure, however by the end of the day I was spent after my boss, someone very close to me and my partner were popping off at me for various things. The simple reason for this (apart from from my partner) is that I'm maintaining boundaries and saying no when it needs to be said, to people who deem themselves (and honestly who I have permitted to be) authorities in my life. They are very used to compliance from me and when it doesn't come it triggers something very harsh and nasty. I got called some nasty names and a mask came off someone close to me where they really revealed they counted on an idea that I was entirely beneath them.
So several interesting things come out of this on reflection.
(1) the real pain and stress wasn't from my boss or the 'close former-authority figure', it came really from my partners upset at having much of the pressure of domestic life loaded onto her, her lashing out because of that pressure and me actually feeling guilty for missing things which could have made things better for her. I couldn't shake that unhappiness and feeling of inadequacy guilt and shame - and with that I self medicated with food. (some context for that, i'm on a strict diet at the moment so avoiding certain things like sugar like the plague).
(2) I forgave the person who verbally attacked me, and didn't feel much anger. In fact I felt relieved - I've been gaslit on this issue for years - when I say years I mean MY WHOLE LIFE! with them subtly demeaning, belittling and asserting power and removing mine then acting like it wasn't happening and it was my own complex/paranoia when I called it out. This came out their mouths and it was like - nice, gotcha, its out of your mouth now and I can chill. What happened next was cool because I managed to forgive them for being so broken, but consciously decided that I wasn't letting them off the hook, not because of vengeance but because I won't tolerate such behaviour in my life from anyone. So I very calmly told them to F*CK off with that BS, it wasn't happening anymore and to know their place. This silenced them but theyre bruised and resentful and will possibly seek revenge in some passive aggressive way or another - so I don't see this problem going away.
(3) I'm probably in trouble at work for pushing back on some important things and saying they can't be done rather than cowtowing. This provokes a big but kind of a slow burning low lying fear that's always there that I'll get sidelined, bullied, suffer reputational damage or whatever BUT again this is somewhat of a relief. I get to face it clearly and deal with. The way I'm putting these boundaries up is inartful at the moment, I'm behaving in a bit of a brutish rather than political manner but it's early days of living like this so I'm giving myself time to work out the kinks of navigating interpersonal power dynamics. I'm not at personal risk from this from losing my job I think. All feedback has been that I'm essential for much of the things that happen and my record for going above and beyond makes me a problem if they want to try to so much as give me a negative performance review. Seems like I'm learning to accept my own power and my own agency and being less of a victim.
(4) In all of this the underlying theme is that I'm consciously restructuring myself, my emotional reactions and my reactions to my emotional reactions around my own principles - effectively to develop a proper moral character.
So that's good.
