07-21-2020, 02:04 AM
2 nights out of 6 - Round 4
I noticed I have this thing that I do sometimes it will be easier if I just give a example that just happened recently. So I am in a new city up north, half way point to where I want to move to and I went out to go get myself and my GF a coffee. I was using my Google maps on my phone and following the directions, but it was not easy to be found and I turn back and fourth and then decided to go down this tight alley thinking it will be down there and a guy was sweeping the wet path and said to me "are you lost?" and I told him I was looking for this particular place and looks like it is down this little road judging by this etc he then just pointed over to an ouside sign, that was not down the alley, that they put outside the shop and he just said "over there", and I looked and could see it and I said ahhh yeah and then he just shook his head in disproval then just carried on sweeping and I automatically said sorry as I was walked away. Then I went to where the sign was and the shop was still not there and ask the security guard out side the shop where the coffee shop was and he said it was up stars in that shop, which was totally unexpected. Then I thanked him and proceeded to go through the "exit door" (as there are more strict rules because of you know what) which he asked me politely to not go that way and go the correct way and I did.
This sounds like nothing on one level but ofter these two social situations it made me feel funny, as if I was in the wrong, I don't like automatically apologising for nothing and the fact that the guy shaked his head, over nothing and the silly little thing of me going through the wrong entrance and then somone making me correct myself. It made me feel silly.
I have come to the conclusion I am not used to being out and about since the whole lockdown thing, so I am thinking I have more social anxiety than normal maybe and the fact I am in a new city up north and everyone has a different accent and my accent stands out and I can tell people know I am not from around here.
I then went and got coffee and the barrister was friendly and happy and walking around that store I was getting lots of looks from women (I was walking through the women's area though), same with waking through the high street but guys too. It is not too busy as it was just past 9am.
Yeah, I just wanted to note this, as it happens sometimes and I don't like it, but not all the time.
After the barrister, I was able to not let me thoughts go down the path thinking that people around here are not that friendly etc, I was able to catch myself in going that way, as the way I was feeling was allowing me to realise I am only having thought like that because of the way I am feeling. Then once I got my coffees and went down stairs I was able to at least start to consciously think differently as I know perceptions can easily change and it can seem much bigger and profound than it really is. Depends how I am choosing to interpret the informations I get from my external reality.
After it happend I thought this would be good to journal down, as I think it is important to keep track of stuff like this in relations to my emotions, thoughts, behavior, reactions as they are all connected to core beliefs, and ultimately rooted fears. It will also help me see how far I have come looking back from the future because I will be able to see, "ah I forgot about that, I don't have that no more".
It is also best to be honest with one's self, especially being vulnerable. I generally dont mind sharing on here, as I am starting to see being vulnerable (in the right context) as kind of a strength.
Also, last night when we got to my girlfriends brothers place which we are staying the night as he is not here, as it is a half way point to our destination of looking at places to rent. There was a moment of sudden realisation of the magnitude of the situation of moving out of my parents house, and moving 4 hours drive away (pretty much near the other side of the country, but not quite lol. I started feeling a heavy feeling of sadness, it felt like grief, as if my old life that I have been living, parents place, dogs, brothers, my parents and big beautiful garden etc are gonna die. My girlfriend understood, as she mentions something to me the day or two before and I didn't understand her, and as she did say to me she is grieving her old life and preparing herself. Anyway, I did feel like I wanted to cry and I held it back a few times. It was really interesting as it hit me out of no where. I am thinking as I am away from home now it allows me to tune into being away, easier as... I am away from home right now.
I feel better today. I knew what I now understand as only a view of something only in a theory form (that I will experience a lot of growth from this move), but now I feel this as a deep knowing, as if I feel the body of essence of the growth as something that is enanmating from within myself rather than externally. I feel connected to it already and I started feeling it when I started mourning last night. Maybe because things are happening now, things are actually happening. Shit is getting real.
I noticed I have this thing that I do sometimes it will be easier if I just give a example that just happened recently. So I am in a new city up north, half way point to where I want to move to and I went out to go get myself and my GF a coffee. I was using my Google maps on my phone and following the directions, but it was not easy to be found and I turn back and fourth and then decided to go down this tight alley thinking it will be down there and a guy was sweeping the wet path and said to me "are you lost?" and I told him I was looking for this particular place and looks like it is down this little road judging by this etc he then just pointed over to an ouside sign, that was not down the alley, that they put outside the shop and he just said "over there", and I looked and could see it and I said ahhh yeah and then he just shook his head in disproval then just carried on sweeping and I automatically said sorry as I was walked away. Then I went to where the sign was and the shop was still not there and ask the security guard out side the shop where the coffee shop was and he said it was up stars in that shop, which was totally unexpected. Then I thanked him and proceeded to go through the "exit door" (as there are more strict rules because of you know what) which he asked me politely to not go that way and go the correct way and I did.
This sounds like nothing on one level but ofter these two social situations it made me feel funny, as if I was in the wrong, I don't like automatically apologising for nothing and the fact that the guy shaked his head, over nothing and the silly little thing of me going through the wrong entrance and then somone making me correct myself. It made me feel silly.
I have come to the conclusion I am not used to being out and about since the whole lockdown thing, so I am thinking I have more social anxiety than normal maybe and the fact I am in a new city up north and everyone has a different accent and my accent stands out and I can tell people know I am not from around here.
I then went and got coffee and the barrister was friendly and happy and walking around that store I was getting lots of looks from women (I was walking through the women's area though), same with waking through the high street but guys too. It is not too busy as it was just past 9am.
Yeah, I just wanted to note this, as it happens sometimes and I don't like it, but not all the time.
After the barrister, I was able to not let me thoughts go down the path thinking that people around here are not that friendly etc, I was able to catch myself in going that way, as the way I was feeling was allowing me to realise I am only having thought like that because of the way I am feeling. Then once I got my coffees and went down stairs I was able to at least start to consciously think differently as I know perceptions can easily change and it can seem much bigger and profound than it really is. Depends how I am choosing to interpret the informations I get from my external reality.
After it happend I thought this would be good to journal down, as I think it is important to keep track of stuff like this in relations to my emotions, thoughts, behavior, reactions as they are all connected to core beliefs, and ultimately rooted fears. It will also help me see how far I have come looking back from the future because I will be able to see, "ah I forgot about that, I don't have that no more".
It is also best to be honest with one's self, especially being vulnerable. I generally dont mind sharing on here, as I am starting to see being vulnerable (in the right context) as kind of a strength.
Also, last night when we got to my girlfriends brothers place which we are staying the night as he is not here, as it is a half way point to our destination of looking at places to rent. There was a moment of sudden realisation of the magnitude of the situation of moving out of my parents house, and moving 4 hours drive away (pretty much near the other side of the country, but not quite lol. I started feeling a heavy feeling of sadness, it felt like grief, as if my old life that I have been living, parents place, dogs, brothers, my parents and big beautiful garden etc are gonna die. My girlfriend understood, as she mentions something to me the day or two before and I didn't understand her, and as she did say to me she is grieving her old life and preparing herself. Anyway, I did feel like I wanted to cry and I held it back a few times. It was really interesting as it hit me out of no where. I am thinking as I am away from home now it allows me to tune into being away, easier as... I am away from home right now.
I feel better today. I knew what I now understand as only a view of something only in a theory form (that I will experience a lot of growth from this move), but now I feel this as a deep knowing, as if I feel the body of essence of the growth as something that is enanmating from within myself rather than externally. I feel connected to it already and I started feeling it when I started mourning last night. Maybe because things are happening now, things are actually happening. Shit is getting real.
