06-26-2020, 06:32 PM
Today marks Day 2 of SARB. The start of it. I do miss not running the sub, but I am intrigued to see what it does over the break. I am not aware enough to describe the essence of fear, but it often feels like a wall, and what I want lies beyond it. And I could feel it for a few moments spread throughout the day yesterday. Now, want is not necessarily my goals, but rather doing little things I'd not even think about or dread doing if it was for fear. For instance, having a difficult conversation. Or reaching out to someone. Or applying for new jobs. At the root of it, there is blissful detachment with all I've done since I started the sub. As usual, I could imagine the rejection, the shame, and the sheer awkwardness of it. But I can't attach myself to the result, and without fear or the possibility of no fear, I can't base my self worth on things that might go wrong. In a way, it's a state with no 'ego', and that leaves me with a brand new discovery of who I am. Not to get all spiritual, but Zen is one word to describe it indeed.
I honestly don't know what I want, except what everybody else does. Healthy relationships, money, sex, etc etc. And there is a logical, foolproof way to get there with persistent effort. Beyond that, I did always had a hard time wrapping my head around it, and grand ideas rather seemed forced. But being fearless to go after what pops up your life is more important than trying to force it to happen. I'd rather stick to the basics and see which way the wind blows next. Let's just be.
I honestly don't know what I want, except what everybody else does. Healthy relationships, money, sex, etc etc. And there is a logical, foolproof way to get there with persistent effort. Beyond that, I did always had a hard time wrapping my head around it, and grand ideas rather seemed forced. But being fearless to go after what pops up your life is more important than trying to force it to happen. I'd rather stick to the basics and see which way the wind blows next. Let's just be.
