05-18-2020, 03:36 AM
Stage 1, Day 9:
Went to a party for my Daughter’s birthday, which her mom hosted and I helped finance. For some reason it was the first time in years I felt any social anxiety at all before the party. It was mild but strange because pretty much all my social fears had been conquered already. After about 20 minutes of meditation the feeling subsided. At the party however I interacted with virtually no one. No one was rude but I went into recluse mode as more people arrived, I wasn’t too interested in interacting at all. People even had to speak to me first before I’d say anything.
I eventually had to plug my phone up to recharge so I sat there on it watching YouTube videos and playing a mobile boxing game, since boxing is my favorite sport, which I’m now just realizing. Also joked around with my former nephew-in-law who wasn’t exactly digging the vibes of the party either, stating that all everyone was doing was sitting around and gossiping while the kids painted. I wasn’t even close enough to the other adults to know what they had been talking about, when I found that out I was even more happy to be on my own.
My ex did comment about how I always get lost in my own world and mildly complained that I didn’t interact with the guests. I hardly interacted with her either. Honestly I was only there for my child. I wasn’t in a negative mood but were it not my child’s party I could’ve done without it. Maybe also because it was for children and although I don’t dislike kids like I used to I don’t exactly enjoy children’s parties.
Sitting here, I’m starting to feel like all my subliminal results from the past 2.5 years with the exception of emotional healing and confidence improvements are being stripped away. This feels like I’ve come to a “zenith point” similar to what I discovered during LTU 5. That strange space where the old me is dying and I haven’t fully manifested the new me either. It’s mildly uncomfortable because I feel lost when this sort of thing happens; although, I know that they’ll be a time during the journey where the new version of me blooms. It is however, aggravating because ever since I was 17 my personality; and therefore views, goals, etc have constantly changed. I never seem to be able to stick with one path or one overarching vision for my own life. Even as I type this I sit here once again feeling empty, like a shell of a person. The only defense I have against this emptiness is indifference towards how it all plays out.
Damn it, stage 1 is hitting far harder than I imagined.
Went to a party for my Daughter’s birthday, which her mom hosted and I helped finance. For some reason it was the first time in years I felt any social anxiety at all before the party. It was mild but strange because pretty much all my social fears had been conquered already. After about 20 minutes of meditation the feeling subsided. At the party however I interacted with virtually no one. No one was rude but I went into recluse mode as more people arrived, I wasn’t too interested in interacting at all. People even had to speak to me first before I’d say anything.
I eventually had to plug my phone up to recharge so I sat there on it watching YouTube videos and playing a mobile boxing game, since boxing is my favorite sport, which I’m now just realizing. Also joked around with my former nephew-in-law who wasn’t exactly digging the vibes of the party either, stating that all everyone was doing was sitting around and gossiping while the kids painted. I wasn’t even close enough to the other adults to know what they had been talking about, when I found that out I was even more happy to be on my own.
My ex did comment about how I always get lost in my own world and mildly complained that I didn’t interact with the guests. I hardly interacted with her either. Honestly I was only there for my child. I wasn’t in a negative mood but were it not my child’s party I could’ve done without it. Maybe also because it was for children and although I don’t dislike kids like I used to I don’t exactly enjoy children’s parties.
Sitting here, I’m starting to feel like all my subliminal results from the past 2.5 years with the exception of emotional healing and confidence improvements are being stripped away. This feels like I’ve come to a “zenith point” similar to what I discovered during LTU 5. That strange space where the old me is dying and I haven’t fully manifested the new me either. It’s mildly uncomfortable because I feel lost when this sort of thing happens; although, I know that they’ll be a time during the journey where the new version of me blooms. It is however, aggravating because ever since I was 17 my personality; and therefore views, goals, etc have constantly changed. I never seem to be able to stick with one path or one overarching vision for my own life. Even as I type this I sit here once again feeling empty, like a shell of a person. The only defense I have against this emptiness is indifference towards how it all plays out.
Damn it, stage 1 is hitting far harder than I imagined.
