Findingme's UMS journal

[findingme]

This is my first off day, and I think E3 is working on old sexual traumas. It's showed by me feeling slightly uncomfortable (meaning physically vulnerable) around guys I've worked with today. I even had the fearful imagining of "am I gay?", which I've never thought of except when returning mentally to old sexual abuse periods in my life. Being gay has never been a desire of mine. But the events which happened linked sex with shame, self-depreciation, and self-doubt. Fear too, which is probably why I've been fearful of running DMSI and likely having sex. My fear again was "am I gay?". Returning to this fearful time makes me feel vulnerable, and I submitted out of fear during those experience(s). Last night I was remembering situational lead-ins to what happened. It wasn't normal, and it wasn't right.

E3 is stirring up those old waters, and it's happened before. It happened some on LTU5, and fear did not own me then. What I feel mostly now is sadness having to do with letting go of this marker in my life. The fear has kept me "safe"--and I just wrote that freely. I have believed that.

On LTU5 I went by this without digging in it at all. I remember feeling freer the following day. I'm on UMS due to its more aggressive E3, and so this is not a setback. I'm on the court, playing the game. I just have this idea that I won't really have to do much here, and this is AWESOME! I just have to tolerate some fear and only a small dose of old pain. I don't even know that though. That was fear speaking.