11-27-2019, 01:44 AM
I felt very emotional yesterday, and it was both new and familiar.
Yesterday was day 3 of my off days. Nothing different there. But I also received a large amount of BTC from my miner before heading to work. This was my capital amount for me to begin making money daily. However, I've not begun mining since I've not been able to figure out how to start in their system. Customer service on this site is on and off, and they were off all day yesterday.
I noticed old survival thinking trying to run the show in me. First it was victim thinking, and then, slowly, paranoia began. It was an extreme version of the victim mentality, yet I noticed clearly that it wasn't running me. It didn't take over my mind and emotions where I was its servant. That was cool amidst all this. This was a chaos storm trying to run me, and I still had control.
Throughout my day, I noticed a feeling like some old trauma had been dug up. The paranoia was still at its same power level, and I kept asking my miner questions to seek a solution to the mining issue. I constantly had this paranoid suspicion, but since I never gave it reign, I allowed that old trauma feeling to slowly surface. It, too, never took over, but I realized there was a root somewhere.
When I got home, I thought I'd just run ARA 5.75 to soothe me. However, being home meant I could drop my guard, and upon doing so, I realized I needed to attend to this in a direct, safe way. So, I ran UMS loops last night with no highlights of any kind. I felt better this morning.
I'd felt like some trauma case yesterday. Knowing I had tools to handle it kept me sane, but in the middle of it, I was questioning myself. I felt like I've survived with kid glasses on most of my life, and I had been fearing some quick and grand awakening, almost like I felt on UD years back. Like a major survival mechanism was shaken yesterday.
I still feel the same this morning, after thinking about it and writing this out. I'll listen to a single loop this morning, and run my loops tonight.
Yesterday was day 3 of my off days. Nothing different there. But I also received a large amount of BTC from my miner before heading to work. This was my capital amount for me to begin making money daily. However, I've not begun mining since I've not been able to figure out how to start in their system. Customer service on this site is on and off, and they were off all day yesterday.
I noticed old survival thinking trying to run the show in me. First it was victim thinking, and then, slowly, paranoia began. It was an extreme version of the victim mentality, yet I noticed clearly that it wasn't running me. It didn't take over my mind and emotions where I was its servant. That was cool amidst all this. This was a chaos storm trying to run me, and I still had control.
Throughout my day, I noticed a feeling like some old trauma had been dug up. The paranoia was still at its same power level, and I kept asking my miner questions to seek a solution to the mining issue. I constantly had this paranoid suspicion, but since I never gave it reign, I allowed that old trauma feeling to slowly surface. It, too, never took over, but I realized there was a root somewhere.
When I got home, I thought I'd just run ARA 5.75 to soothe me. However, being home meant I could drop my guard, and upon doing so, I realized I needed to attend to this in a direct, safe way. So, I ran UMS loops last night with no highlights of any kind. I felt better this morning.
I'd felt like some trauma case yesterday. Knowing I had tools to handle it kept me sane, but in the middle of it, I was questioning myself. I felt like I've survived with kid glasses on most of my life, and I had been fearing some quick and grand awakening, almost like I felt on UD years back. Like a major survival mechanism was shaken yesterday.
I still feel the same this morning, after thinking about it and writing this out. I'll listen to a single loop this morning, and run my loops tonight.
I want to be FREE!
