11-22-2019, 03:12 PM
I'm becoming more aware of my barriers with people, and I am struggling a little with an invite I got to meet some coworkers in a bar Saturday night. I work with these guys but. I've always stopped there. Maybe it's me fearing--nah, not maybe. I'm fearing letting go of MY past, where I've sat with selective, sanitized memories. Fearing I'll be a little boy, thinking I'm helpless around adult men, me giving in to almost any request. I felt secure when younger, and I need to care for that part of me. Maybe I can hold him; others have spoken of doing this in their minds, where such relationships grow.
I'm trying to find a reason to not go by writing, but it's bullshit. Just scared. --I don't have any "masks" for such environments. I don't drink, but that isn't a reason either. Just scared. This is where I am. This is all in my head too, and I don't have to decide now, so I'll be kinder now to myself.
I'd originally come to admit that I felt like I'd put up walls in my last post by saying "I've got money". I was thinking about that today. I even feared I was being ignorant to others. I tend to constantly look for people in worse shape than I am, for it's an ego boost to help people. I've realized that lately and am wondering about a mature reaction; mature, not esoteric. I've not reached the comfortableness with financial success yet. And battling some self-pity, if it's possible. Old ways are still seeking their home base of "normal", though I've allowed some change on UMS. However, the old ways have not submitted yet.
Still running 6 loops 4 on, 3 off. Day 3 today of my "on" days.
I'm seeing a lot today. I realized I do this kind of manipulation to draw good codependents in to "rescue" me from my fear. It feels good admitting that as compared to the former hidden intention. I am anxious now, simply since I'm realizing truths of mine, and I've often ran the opposite way. Maybe the FRM is finally getting through to these things. I have felt a little more tired this week, bordering on wanting to rebel to anyone manipulating me. I've been napping more, getting to bed earlier, and choosing to snooze even though I'm actively working on getting up earlier.
I'm also realizing my short bursts of tears are me submitting to UMS' instructions (I had some 5 minutes ago, and I'm running UMS now). I've actually been dodging a change or changes in my life on UMS. What has scared me are deep emotional changes. Well, specifically going THROUGH the emotional changes. My past was me trying to stay in one "safe" spot, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm facing that.
I'm trying to find a reason to not go by writing, but it's bullshit. Just scared. --I don't have any "masks" for such environments. I don't drink, but that isn't a reason either. Just scared. This is where I am. This is all in my head too, and I don't have to decide now, so I'll be kinder now to myself.
I'd originally come to admit that I felt like I'd put up walls in my last post by saying "I've got money". I was thinking about that today. I even feared I was being ignorant to others. I tend to constantly look for people in worse shape than I am, for it's an ego boost to help people. I've realized that lately and am wondering about a mature reaction; mature, not esoteric. I've not reached the comfortableness with financial success yet. And battling some self-pity, if it's possible. Old ways are still seeking their home base of "normal", though I've allowed some change on UMS. However, the old ways have not submitted yet.
Still running 6 loops 4 on, 3 off. Day 3 today of my "on" days.
I'm seeing a lot today. I realized I do this kind of manipulation to draw good codependents in to "rescue" me from my fear. It feels good admitting that as compared to the former hidden intention. I am anxious now, simply since I'm realizing truths of mine, and I've often ran the opposite way. Maybe the FRM is finally getting through to these things. I have felt a little more tired this week, bordering on wanting to rebel to anyone manipulating me. I've been napping more, getting to bed earlier, and choosing to snooze even though I'm actively working on getting up earlier.
I'm also realizing my short bursts of tears are me submitting to UMS' instructions (I had some 5 minutes ago, and I'm running UMS now). I've actually been dodging a change or changes in my life on UMS. What has scared me are deep emotional changes. Well, specifically going THROUGH the emotional changes. My past was me trying to stay in one "safe" spot, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm facing that.
I want to be FREE!
