I've been bothered by a decision agreed on by me and my male miner regarding something we might do in my mining account, and I was torn while working today. I'm unsure--no, I'm scared. Taking personal responsibility for this was what hung on me throughout much of today. I realize I'm trying to find old childhood comforts and imagined safeguards, but it just ain't working.
And when I first began wrestling with this issue, I turned to my most used coping mechanism--ignoring and even attempting to shut down the real me inside. Within minutes, I realized the disconnect since I felt it. It absolutely sucked. I abandoned who I am and what's important to me, and that's when I felt lonely. It sucks feeling like this. And doing this was my standard practice for decades in my life. Being numb and disconnected meant I wouldn't hurt.
I'm not exactly sure why it started today, but I began getting annoyed with my driver who I thought had ignored some repeated requests (3x). After about an hour of holding little grudges against him, I saw what was going on.
I was mad at him increasingly since I felt he was ignoring me. I thought he should _______________ or _____________. You know, it was "his" fault. I had made him responsible for me and my mood. No s***. What clicked was I had my attention and focus on him, and I'd seen this blaming mindset before. He was my scapegoat so I'd not focus on me and what I was feeling. It was even confirmed within me minutes later. One request I kept making and signaling to him was to pull far enough up for each stop. That way, I could just sling a can inside the back of the garbage truck. But he kept stopping short, making me walk backwards, spending more energy than is needed. I wasn't overly mad, but I finally slung a can at the side of the truck so he'd "get it". It bounced off, and I looked at him in the mirror. He was smiling. We both began laughing, and I saw it. I was angry at him since he wasn't being responsible for me. He wasn't who I was in conflict with, really. He couldn't change anything in me.
Taking responsibility for my own life is where in my head I'm hanging back, trying NOT to be responsible. At this moment, I'm even unsure why. Seriously, I've been finding scapegoats my whole life. It worked, I've felt very unconfident doing this, but UMS is focusing on this. I'm a little mad, even personalizing UMS. "Dammit UMS, give me a BREAK!" Strangely enough, I feel really young writing that.
Right now I'm hot mood-wise, but frustration and tears might come this weekend. I've chosen scapegoats so I'd not face the fear I've had. Something is stewing in me. I'd not personally choose to work on this, but UMS has different plans it seems.
And when I first began wrestling with this issue, I turned to my most used coping mechanism--ignoring and even attempting to shut down the real me inside. Within minutes, I realized the disconnect since I felt it. It absolutely sucked. I abandoned who I am and what's important to me, and that's when I felt lonely. It sucks feeling like this. And doing this was my standard practice for decades in my life. Being numb and disconnected meant I wouldn't hurt.
I'm not exactly sure why it started today, but I began getting annoyed with my driver who I thought had ignored some repeated requests (3x). After about an hour of holding little grudges against him, I saw what was going on.
I was mad at him increasingly since I felt he was ignoring me. I thought he should _______________ or _____________. You know, it was "his" fault. I had made him responsible for me and my mood. No s***. What clicked was I had my attention and focus on him, and I'd seen this blaming mindset before. He was my scapegoat so I'd not focus on me and what I was feeling. It was even confirmed within me minutes later. One request I kept making and signaling to him was to pull far enough up for each stop. That way, I could just sling a can inside the back of the garbage truck. But he kept stopping short, making me walk backwards, spending more energy than is needed. I wasn't overly mad, but I finally slung a can at the side of the truck so he'd "get it". It bounced off, and I looked at him in the mirror. He was smiling. We both began laughing, and I saw it. I was angry at him since he wasn't being responsible for me. He wasn't who I was in conflict with, really. He couldn't change anything in me.
Taking responsibility for my own life is where in my head I'm hanging back, trying NOT to be responsible. At this moment, I'm even unsure why. Seriously, I've been finding scapegoats my whole life. It worked, I've felt very unconfident doing this, but UMS is focusing on this. I'm a little mad, even personalizing UMS. "Dammit UMS, give me a BREAK!" Strangely enough, I feel really young writing that.
Right now I'm hot mood-wise, but frustration and tears might come this weekend. I've chosen scapegoats so I'd not face the fear I've had. Something is stewing in me. I'd not personally choose to work on this, but UMS has different plans it seems.
I want to be FREE!
