11-13-2019, 02:33 PM
I had a truth in my life become obvious to me today. UMS must be working on it.
Today I realized, though I knew already (but deny it constantly), that I've been 100% dependent on other's approval of my decisions I make. The denial starts when around others I'm trying to impress, as I try to appear independent like some appear. I always thought these guys had so much more courage. I saw the shop manager in the bathroom today, we talked 30 seconds, and something in me was mixed between wanting his approval, but at the same time I had those painful grief feelings again. I feel small when I do that.
I believe this popped up during an unusual circumstance today. I was forklift trained when I began this position a year ago, but I was so nervous when people watched and critiqued me that people lost trust that I could handle it. My lack of confidence mirrored theirs in me. And today some items needed to be moved with a forklift, and I was the only person available.
Noone stood there and guided me. Normally someone does. Each person on the spot was occupied and focused on a different task. I actually was nervous before starting, but I jumped in and did exactly what needed to be done. And though I felt confident and less fearful during and after this, my gut was still feeling that old grief. I didn't recognize it yet. And 10 minutes after this, I realized I was trembling in fear.
Then, in the afternoon, I drove solo doing some deliveries, and I turned on the radio. I cried at almost any song. Something in me needed to come out. I'm still in that same spot now, and I didn't know what to do with it since I am on day 3 of break.
But I chose to come home and run loops, which I'm doing now. Me avoiding healing is what makes it hard. Me not using UMS to handle heavy emotion is hard. I'm doing what I can--and also seeking acceptance from others by writing....... I think I'm not accepting myself much. And sadness came to me in that last line. It's been true. (I think I've been seeking "success" to avoid the grief)
I could write and write. What I need is to feel.
Today I realized, though I knew already (but deny it constantly), that I've been 100% dependent on other's approval of my decisions I make. The denial starts when around others I'm trying to impress, as I try to appear independent like some appear. I always thought these guys had so much more courage. I saw the shop manager in the bathroom today, we talked 30 seconds, and something in me was mixed between wanting his approval, but at the same time I had those painful grief feelings again. I feel small when I do that.
I believe this popped up during an unusual circumstance today. I was forklift trained when I began this position a year ago, but I was so nervous when people watched and critiqued me that people lost trust that I could handle it. My lack of confidence mirrored theirs in me. And today some items needed to be moved with a forklift, and I was the only person available.
Noone stood there and guided me. Normally someone does. Each person on the spot was occupied and focused on a different task. I actually was nervous before starting, but I jumped in and did exactly what needed to be done. And though I felt confident and less fearful during and after this, my gut was still feeling that old grief. I didn't recognize it yet. And 10 minutes after this, I realized I was trembling in fear.
Then, in the afternoon, I drove solo doing some deliveries, and I turned on the radio. I cried at almost any song. Something in me needed to come out. I'm still in that same spot now, and I didn't know what to do with it since I am on day 3 of break.
But I chose to come home and run loops, which I'm doing now. Me avoiding healing is what makes it hard. Me not using UMS to handle heavy emotion is hard. I'm doing what I can--and also seeking acceptance from others by writing....... I think I'm not accepting myself much. And sadness came to me in that last line. It's been true. (I think I've been seeking "success" to avoid the grief)
I could write and write. What I need is to feel.
I want to be FREE!
